I think Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe are trying to kill me. I have no idea why, or how they ever found out that I even exist. I certainly don’t remember ever doing anything bad to either of them, much less anything that would rate killing. In fact, not surprisingly, I don’t even know them. And I’ve seen so many of their movies over the years, including the somewhat crappier ones, that it seems as though they should be thanking me instead of trying to kill me.

I’ve noticed them taking turns keeping my house under surveillance. They hide in my neighbor’s bushes across the street and peer through them, and when I come out to feed my dog they tiptoe surreptitiously from tree to tree. I pretend I don’t notice them, but it gets to be pretty creepy after awhile. Of course, I’ve thought about calling the police, but what would I tell them? “Hello, I’d like to report that famous Hollywood actors Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe are trying to kill me.”

Yesterday I was getting in my car, and I checked underneath it to make sure there weren’t any kitty cats under there. I found a bomb, wired to my ignition. I looked up real quick and saw Christopher Walken duck behind the bushes again.

Later on at the mall I was sitting in the bathroom, and suddenly a large, poisonous-looking snake began to slither under the stall door. In one of those brave moments that occur sometimes in life-or-death situations, I quickly grabbed the deadly serpent and hurled it over the stall. I jumped up and opened the door just in time to see a frantic Willem Dafoe running out of the bathroom with the snake wrapped around his neck.

When I got home that night there was a package on my doorstep with the words “Urgent! Open Immediately!” scrawled on it. It had no return address. I shot a glance across the street, and there they were, peering out from the bushes again — Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe. I am afraid to open the package. I am afraid, period.

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