I’ve noticed them taking turns keeping my house under surveillance. They hide in my neighbor’s bushes across the street and peer through them, and when I come out to feed my dog they tiptoe surreptitiously from tree to tree. I pretend I don’t notice them, but it gets to be pretty creepy after awhile. Of course, I’ve thought about calling the police, but what would I tell them? “Hello, I’d like to report that famous Hollywood actors Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe are trying to kill me.”
Yesterday I was getting in my car, and I checked underneath it to make sure there weren’t any kitty cats under there. I found a bomb, wired to my ignition. I looked up real quick and saw Christopher Walken duck behind the bushes again.
Later on at the mall I was sitting in the bathroom, and suddenly a large, poisonous-looking snake began to slither under the stall door. In one of those brave moments that occur sometimes in life-or-death situations, I quickly grabbed the deadly serpent and hurled it over the stall. I jumped up and opened the door just in time to see a frantic Willem Dafoe running out of the bathroom with the snake wrapped around his neck.
When I got home that night there was a package on my doorstep with the words “Urgent! Open Immediately!” scrawled on it. It had no return address. I shot a glance across the street, and there they were, peering out from the bushes again — Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe. I am afraid to open the package. I am afraid, period.
