SLING BLADE is one of my favorite movies, so I thought it would be fun to interview the main character, Karl Childers. I thought it would be cute, too, and I love to do cute things. But most of all, I thought it would be funny, because I think I’m funny. (“Funny ha-ha”, that is!) Sometimes people ask me, “You think you’re funny, don’t you?” and I say, “Yes!”, and they say, “Well, you aren’t.” So I guess they’re just stupid.
I went to the “nervous hospital” where Karl lives and sat beside him in the dayroom as he stared out the window. Sometimes I would hold up two fingers behind his head and wiggle them so it looked like he had insect antennae or rabbit ears or something, and he never even knew it, ha ha. As you can tell from the tone of my questions, I decided to be confrontational and pretend that I hated Karl so that our conversation would be more interesting, sort of like Katie Couric does whenever she interviews Republicans.
ME: Karl, I’ve decided to be confrontational and pretend that I hate you so that our conversation will be more interesting, sort of like Katie Couric does whenever she interviews Republicans. How do you like that, you big, fat, egg-sucking idiot?
KARL: Mmhhh. I don’t reckon I care fer it too much, mmm-hmm. I don’t recall I ever sucked on no eggs, neither.
ME: (mocking tone) “I don’t recall I ever sucked on no eggs, neither.” Ppphhhffftthhh, ha ha.
(Karl grunts and then looks down and shakes his head slightly, as though that will help him understand my behavior.)
KARL: You ort not to talk to me thataway.
ME: Oh, I’m sorry, Karl. Not–ha ha. Tell me…have you ever thought about joining the space program and becoming an astronaut?
KARL: Mmhhh…I don’t reckon I ever studied on that, no sir. I don’t b’lieve I’d care to go up in one of them rocket ships inta outer space, mmm-hmm. I might git stuck up thar and not be able ta come back down fer quite a spell.
ME: Why would that be bad, you poodle-gargling moron?
KARL: Mmhhh. Wouldn’t be no mustard’n biscuits up thar in outer space, I reckon. I believe I might not be able to breathe too well up thar neither.
ME: Have you ever met anyone famous, dickhead?
KARL: No sir, I don’t recall ever meetin’ anybody that was famous. There was that little ol’ gal that wrote fer the school newspaper, she done interviewed me about my his’try and whatnot. And then there was that feller name-a Jerry Springer, I b’lieve he’s a mite famous, mmm-hmm. He wanted me’n Miz Wheatley and that Doyle Hargraves to go on the TV and be on his show. Mmhhh.
ME: Did you? Karl? Karl? Hello?
KARL: Well, Miz Wheatley needed the money they was a-gonna give ‘er fer it. Her’n her boy Frank is poor, so I done it, mmm-hmm. Her’n Frank went out thar on the stage first, a-talkin’ about her boyfriend Doyle and how mean he’s been ta her’n Frank, and then they called me out thar, so I went out’n told ever’body about my his’try and whatnot.
ME: What happened next, Gorilla Nuts?
KARL: Mmhhh. Well, then that Doyle come a-runnin’ out madder’n a wet hen and jumped on top of me, and we started a-goin’ at it like cats’n dogs till some big fellers come up’n pulled us off’n one another. While they was holdin’ Doyle back, Frank started a-kickin’ him in the legs and Miz Wheatley was a-hollerin’ at him about what a (beep) he was, and how he (beep) her’n Frank and (beep) (beep) his warty (beep) till it fell off. And that Doyle come back’n and hollered about how she was a (beep) who (beep) (beep) the (beep) in (beep) and (beep) until (beep) (beep) dinosaurs (beep) a forklift (beep) (beep) (beep) the Green Bay Packers.
ME: How did you feel about that, you humongous, slobbering jerk-off on waterskis?
KARL: Well, I didn’t see how she coulda done what all he said and her a-workin’ two-till-eight at Hoochie’s Dollar Store plumb near ever’ day. But what really got me riled up was when he started a-talkin’ about Frank. Me’n Frank’s friends. He likes the way I talk.
ME: Really? I think it sucks hamster titties. So, what did Doyle say about Frank?
(Karl shifts uncomfortably and rubs his hands together. He makes several grunting noises.)
KARL: Well, he said Frank wasn’t no ‘count as an actor and that Haley Joel Osment coulda done his part a lot better, mmm-hmm. Well sir, I just seen red. I hollered back about how Haley Joel Osment woulda been miscast in that part, mmm-hmm, and how he done all right in that dead people pitcher with that Bruce Willis feller but he woulda stuck out like a sore thumb a-playin’ a boy from Millsburg, Arkansas. And then that Doyle said fergit Haley Joel Osment, that there Dakota Fanning woulda done a better job in the part, too. Well, I reckon that done made me madder’n I was afore. So I takened the lawnmower blade–
ME: You had a lawnmower blade with you?
KARL: Yes sir, that Jerry Springer wanted me ta show the folks what a whiz I was a-fixin’ lawnmowers’n whatnot, so he had me fix his lawnmower fer ‘im right out there in front’a ever’body. So I takened the lawnmower blade–some folks call it a lawnmower blade, I call it a…well, I reckon I call it a lawnmower blade, too, I don’t reckon there’s too many different names fer lawnmower blades, mmm-hmm–and I hit Doyle upside the head with it. Then I hit ‘im another good whack and plumb near cut his head in two. Mmhhh.
MICH: Ach du lieber. Was dann geschehen ist, Herr Dumbkopf?
KARL: Well, that Jerry Springer feller was fit ta bust. Come ta find out, I don’t reckon he minded too much what I was a-doin’ to Doyle. He started jumpin’ up’n down and a-hollerin’ about how he was a-gonna beat Oprah. I don’t know what that Oprah done to him, but he sure aimed to give her a good beatin’. And them other folks started a-hollerin’ his name over’n over. I think it musta been his birthday or somethin’. Then one of ’em stood up and said how I had done kicked that dawg ta the curb. Well, it musta been somebody that looked like me ’cause I ain’t never kicked no dawg. I’ve kilt me a few folks, but I don’t b’lieve the Good Lord’d want me to go around a-kickin’ no dawgs, mmm-hmm. Anyways, Jerry finally simmered down and give what he called his final thought to ever’body. It was somethin’ on how folks ort not ta be mean ta one another, and if you’re mean enough all the time then somebody’s liable ta cut yer head plumb near in two with a lawnmower blade. I think he was a-talkin’ about what I’d just done ta that Doyle.
ME: Of course he was, you mind-boggling dumbass. And that’s when they put you back in the “nervous hospital”?
KARL: Yes, sir.
ME: And what about Frank? Is he really as amazingly stupid as he looks?
KARL: (becomes visibly agitated) Don’t you say nothin’ about that boy. Fact of business, I ain’t a-gonna be interviewed by you no more.
ME: Okay. Oh, would you like some 80% pure Colombian cocaine?
KARL: Cocaine makes me a mite nervous when I snort it, mmm-hmm.
ME: Oh. Well then, I’ll just let you get back to disarming that nuclear bomb before it goes off.
KARL: All right, then.