EVERY EPISODE OF THE ORIGINAL “STAR TREK” IN ONE SCENE

CAPTAIN’S LOG, STARDATE 29.43.01:

While transporting much-needed medical supplies to planet Regula IV, which is being ravaged by a deadly plague, I’ve ordered the Enterprise into an uncharted sector of the galaxy in order to save time.

McCOY: “Well, Jim, the rest of the crew have had their quarterly physicals. Now are you going to come quietly, or do I have to have a security team drag you to sickbay?”

KIRK: “Not now, Bones. I…feel…we may be in danger.”

SPOCK: “‘Feel’, Captain? Logically, your human emotions are hardly a reliable indicator of–“

CHEKOV: “Kepten, an alien wessel is approaching!”

KIRK: “On screen. Uhura, open a channel.”

UHURA: “Hailing frequencies open, sir.”

KIRK: “Uhura, open another channel.”

UHURA: “Hailing frequencies open, sir.”

SPOCK: “No response.”

SULU: “All scans negative.”

KIRK: “Hmmm…to be or not to be. That is the question.”

SPOCK: (wry half-smile) “Shakespeare, Captain?”

KIRK: “Tactics, Mr. Spock. Do we fire phasers now…or wait. For. A. Response.”

McCOY: “Blast it, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a waiter!”

SPOCK: “Really, Doctor. Your emotions will be your undoing.”

McCOY: “Why, you green-blooded, pointy-eared –“

KIRK: “Gentlemen. You can argue later. If. There. Is. A. ‘Later.’ Sulu, lock phasers on target and stand by.”

SULU: “Phasers locked.”

YEOMAN RAND: “Captain, I have your afternoon dietary supplement–“

KIRK: “Not now, yeoman! Meet me in my quarters at 0500 hours. Uhura, open a channel.”

UHURA: “Hailing frequencies open, sir.”

BEAUTIFUL ALIEN AMBASSADOR: “I love you, Kee-Urk!”

KIRK: “Not now, Empress Adora! Meet me in quarters at 0600–“

SPOCK: “Sir, we are being held in a tractor beam.”

SULU: “Hull pressure readings at 80 percent…90 percent…off the dial.”

CHEKOV: “AAAAAAH!!! AAAAAAAAAAH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!”

KIRK: “Chekov! What’s the matter?”

CHEKOV: “I beet my tongue, Kepten!”

KIRK: “Sickbay, send a medical team to the bridge! Sulu, get us out of here!”

SULU: “Aye, Captain!”

KIRK: “No, I ‘Captain.’ You ‘Sulu.'”

UHURA: “Captain, I’m…frightened.”

SPOCK: “We can’t break free. Hull temperature approaching critical levels. Warp engines super-heating.”

KIRK: “Scotty! You have thirty seconds to fix those engines or we’re all dead.”

SCOTTY: [on intercom] “Ach, me poor bear’ns! We canna take mooch moor o’ this poundin’, Captoon! Me bonny ship’ll explood lark a pub-crawlin’ august frat wi’ a snootful o’ green –“

UHURA: “We’re being hailed, Captain.”

KIRK: “Open a channel.”

UHURA: “Hailing frequencies open, sir.”

KIRK: “Enterprise to alien vessel. Your actions are harmful to us. If you don’t –“

ALIEN: “SILENCE! YOU HAVE ENCROACHED UPON OUR DOMAIN! YOUR SHIP WILL NOW BE CAPTURED AND YOUR CREW ENSLAVED!”

KIRK: “Computer…initiate self-destruct sequence.”

SPOCK: “Oh, fu**.”

[commercial break]

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