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“The Emoji Movie” is going to be a punching bag for a ton of film pundits. I’m not going to lie and say that the film doesn’t deserve its bruises. The comparisons to “Inside Out” aren’t unwarranted. By now, you’re asking…will I hate my child for making me watch it? The answer is no more than usual. Kid cinema is pretty stupid. Modern audiences want to fawn over and praise Pixar and its ilk. But, they are the rare jewels in a subgenre of cinematic shit.

To be fair, kid movies being shit have deep history. These terrible movies became an artform in America, but I’ve seen my fair share of international kid movies that as well have featured talking shit emojis. Let’s take a breather here for a moment. If the movie is terrible and features a talking pile of shit as a character, I’m not going to be cute and call him Poop. Patrick Stewart demands too much respect to play something called Poop. He’s a large and in-charge piece of shit and the film is better for him.

Back to what I was saying. I’ve watched film of Garbage Pail Kids, chimps flying USAF planes and The Goonies. What kind of prissy bitch would I have to be to take umbrage with a film about Emojis? Much like a warped mirror, I take issue with the reflection. Western society is at a point where we can be entertained by the hieroglyphics that dominate our pointless existence. We’re backsliding as a culture and SONY wants to capitalize on it again. It’s OK to say that Ghostbusters sucked, kids. The scary SJWs have more things to worry about now.

This film is a 90 minute slice of our pathetic lives. The characters are humanized figures created to have a heroic journey and sell garbage to kids. I have to use that two part authentication stuff to keep my kid from buying apps now. Parents of the world don’t need animated stories telling their brats that it’s OK to boil down their emotions to quick blips of nothing. They also don’t need to be preached at, but let’s torch one problem at a time.

“The Emoji Movie” is an SNL parody trailer given time to build a tiny plot. This is the kind of story that a High School kid would create to impress their apathetic English teacher. If that English teacher had an ounce of humanity, he would stake that student’s script in the heart. If I were that English teacher, I would torch the pages and piss upon its ashes in front of said teenager. The teen would cry and I would yell “I HAVE TENURE, SPAWN OF SATAN”. Think of it as a modern take on “Stand and Deliver”.

Does a film like this serve a purpose? Sure, it’s the kind of movie that you should like at the age of 5, but hate by the age of 12. It should inspire young artists to get out the sketchpads and design better figures. Basically, this is the cinematic equivalent of training wheels. Can you really hate a kid for enjoying something that’s meant to be disposable?

If you know an adult that enjoys the film, then that’s another thing. Take a picture of that shitlord and send it to me. I want to know the face of evil.


  • 1 hr and 26 mins
  • PG
  • Columbia Pictures/SONY


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