Election Day Eve 2018! The Evergreen Guide 74
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·3 min read

Election Day Eve 2018! The Evergreen Guide

It’s the day before the Mid-Term Elections and noises are heard throughout the entire house. One person is trying to watch the TV, while the other is parroting points raised by a Blue Checkmark on Twitter. A friend comes to visit and says something off-color about preferred candidate. Some laugh, some do not laugh. All the while, the first person just wants to watch The Conners without another aging white old man slamming the slightly less aging white old man. What is an aware, but slightly less caring American to do?

Your Voting Checklist for Election Day

  1. Before leaving the house, make sure the stove is off. If you don’t cook, then you’re good. If you are one of the many working class poor, well just be glad if you have a roof.
  2. Prepare for lines. Hope for a line. Adjust your expectations to when you see a slight wait.
  3. Depending on your state, have your license or proper form of ID ready. You can debate Voter ID laws with the elderly man checking your registration info. He can’t hear and it doesn’t matter at this point.
  4. If your name doesn’t appear on the registration, then you can do one of the following.
    1. Calmly request a provisional absentee ballot as required by law.
    2. Start flipping tables, make the old people shit their Depends and dare one of the soccer moms to call the cops because your Constitutional rights have been violated.
    3. Weep with the knowledge that you ruined America for 2 more years.
  5. Taking your ballot to the booth is a thrilling opportunity, but one that change your outlook.
  6. For many, this will be the first time in years you’ve actually had to use a pencil to do something.
  7. Your hand will cramp by the time you hit the Family Court Judges. You don’t even go to Family Court, but think of the children.
  8. If you’re in a fancy district that does electronic voting, check for any signs of tampering. Does the screen seem off? When you click a choice, does it delay a little too long? Inspect the machine for signs of interference from Skynet.
  9. If you must write a candidate’s name in, then write in one of the many distinguished writers at AndersonVision. We will gladly rule your local or national area as a benevolent despot. Our reign will be a mix of velvet-gloved love and the proper tyranny that you peasants deserve.
  10. After depositing your ballot into the many voting trash receptacles that “tally” votes, ask for a sticker.
  11. If said Poll Worker doesn’t have a I Voted sticker, then press B to beat him until he finally coughs one up.
  12. This action will alert the authorities, so hop on your horse and outrun them until you’re safely outside of their jurisdiction.
  13. At this point, the pot haze will start to fade and you’ll realize that you went into an Red Dead Redemption II edible coma and that you’ve got 15 minutes left to vote.
  14. You live within walking distance of your voting place, so haul ass to get there and remember the checklist.
  15. The future of America is up to you. You can have the Lulz of seeing Trump undergo Benghazi hearing style interrogation or you can have the FML of listening to your SJW friends go tribal on whatever they’re told is bad today.

I’d like to thank Rock the Vote for reaching out to AndersonVision. We want the young people to vote. As the Moe Szyslak of sites, we don’t expect many to reach out to us first for political opinions. But, if we can make you laugh or help to annoy your friends, then we did our job.

Thank you!

Election-Day

See also

 

 

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