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PORFLE VS. CELEBRITIES

(NOTE: This was originally posted before Heath Ledger’s death.)

 

Hey, here’s me making fun of various celebrities by making up quotes by them that they never actually said but that, in a perfect world, they really would say.  It may not be all that funny, but I think you’ll agree that it’s a cute thing for me to do.  

GEORGE CLOONEY:  “I am Forrest Tucker’s illegitimate son.”

MADONNA:  “I’m so sexy, I have performed my act for caged squirrels and they have gotten sexually excited.”

NICOLE KIDMAN:  “My main regret in life is that I don’t have abnormally huge feet.  Oh, wait…I do have abnormally huge feet.”

SYLVESTER STALLONE:  “I have never seen Neil Sedaka do a poledance in a string bikini, but I’d like to.”

KATIE COURIC:  “It is now illegal for me to fart in the state of California.”

TED KOPPEL:  “I was once abducted by aliens, taken to a planet in the Andromeda galaxy, and shown photographs of Burt Reynolds in a hammock.”

STEVEN SEAGAL:  “I wear a hundred different pairs of underwear every day, and then I auction them all off for charity.  So far, I have raised two-hundred and eighty-five billion dollars.”

OPRAH WINFREY:  “Truly, this is a ‘Mike Tyson Christmas.'”

BEN AFFLECK:  “At this point, I honestly do not know whether or not I could fit a ten-speed bicycle down my pants.  Really, I just don’t know.”

PARIS HILTON:  “It’s real easy to fool little kids into thinking you’re a horse.  Just whinny a lot, and then take a big, steaming crap out in the street.”

PAUL MCCARTNEY:  “Believe it or not, music is actually my second love.  My first love is collecting Steven Seagal’s used underwear.”

FRED DALTON THOMPSON:  “I can still bend over and touch my toes–with my scrotum.”

MICHAEL JACKSON:  “I’ve often considered getting a sex change.  But I could never decide which one to change to.”

ALANNIS MORRISETTE:  “You know what’s really ironic?  The fact that I once shoved a ’57 Buick Skylark up my ass.”

MARTIN SCORSESE:  “David Hasselhoff has leapt out from behind a bush and bitten me on the leg at least eleven times since 1992.”

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN:  “I have in my possession indisputable scientific evidence that Roger Ebert is a werewolf.”

NEIL ARMSTRONG:  “The moon landing was a hoax–Buzz Aldrin and I were really on the planet Mars.”

DAKOTA FANNING:  “It’s simple–just ram an ordinary number two pencil through the soft part of the throat and up into the brain, and boom, they’re dead.”

——–

Here is my fictitious mini-interview with actor Heath Ledger.

PORFLE:  How were you cast as the Joker?

HEATH:  Well, I–

PORFLE:  Shut up.

(awkward pause)

PORFLE:  Did you enjoy working with director Christopher Nolan?

HEATH:  Yes, it was a real learning experience for me.

PORFLE:  How so?

HEATH:  Well, for one thing, Chris taught me how to tap-dance.  And he also showed me how to construct a device that can detect whether or not the person it’s hooked up to knows Richard Simmons personally.

PORFLE:  Have you used the device on anyone yet?

HEATH:  I secretly used it on you just now.  The readings were inconclusive–there’s a thirty-seven percent chance that you know Richard Simmons.

PORFLE:  What makes you think that you can do a better job as the Joker than Jack Nicholson?  Or even Caesar Romero?

HEATH:  Because they’re stupid.  Jack Nicholson is so stupid, he washes his face with bubble gum.  And Caesar Romero is so stupid he wears an inferior brand of underwear.

PORFLE:  And you always wear the correct underwear?

HEATH:  I wear Joker underwear.  I like to immerse myself in a character in every way–that’s why I’m so good.  I eat Joker sandwiches for lunch.  I drink Joker cola.  When I have sex, I only use Joker condoms.  

PORFLE:  Joker condoms?  Are they dependable?

HEATH:  No.

——–

Here is my fictitious mini-interview with actor Ben Kingsley.

PORFLE:  You’ve had a very distinguished career.

KINGSLEY:  Thank you.  I try to choose roles that–

PORFLE:  I didn’t say it was good.  I just said it was distinguished.

KINGSLEY:  Oh.  

PORFLE:  Didn’t you play Ghandi?

KINGSLEY:  Oh yes, I did.  Probably my finest hour, that.  What a fortunate happenstance that Sir Richard Attenborough selected me to portray such a beloved–

PORFLE:  Weren’t you embarrassed playing a wimpy little bald doofus in a bedsheet?

KINGSLEY:  (visibly perturbed) I most certainly was not.  Ghandi was an enormously inspiring and influential historical figure, whose philosophy of peaceful resistance was a major turning point in–

PORFLE:  Did you just fart?

KINGSLEY:  What?  Of course not.

PORFLE:  This “Sir Richard Attenborough” guy is pretty short.  Did you ever call him “Little Dick”?  You know, just for laughs?

KINGSLEY:  Certainly not.  His stature as a filmmaker and as a human being was one which demanded respect, which I, accordingly, was diligent to bestow upon him in our daily affairs–

PORFLE:  You had an AFFAIR with him?

KINGSLEY:  NO!  Our relationship was of the strictest professional–

PORFLE:  Blah, blah, whatever.  You were in a movie with Sigourney Weaver called DEATH AND THE MAIDEN.  

KINGSLEY:  That’s correct.

PORFLE:  Did you ever get into a fistfight with her?

KINGSLEY:  What?  No.  That’s absurd.

PORFLE:  She could probably take you.  In fact, I think Sigourney Weaver could probably kick your ass.

KINGSLEY:  That doesn’t have anything to do with anything.  This is the most pointless interview I’ve ever–

PORFLE:  No kidding, you just farted, didn’t you?

KINGSLEY:  NO!

PORFLE:  Let’s move on to SCHINDLER’S LIST.  That was a very, very important role for you.

KINGSLEY:  It certainly was.  And one which I took extremely seriously.  
PORFLE:  What was it like, doing a sequel to a Jerry Lewis movie?

KINGSLEY:  What?  What are you talking about?

PORFLE:  Well, wasn’t it a sequel to THE DAY THE CLOWN CRIED?  

KINGSLEY:  Oh.  Oh, no.  Oh, my god, no.  

PORFLE:  Did you ever get into a fistfight with Ralph Finnes?

KINGSLEY:  No, I did not.

PORFLE:  How about Spielberg?  You could probably take him if you managed to get in a good swift kick in the balls right off the bat.

KINGSLEY:  Are you insane?  

PORFLE:  I’m asking the questions here, Big Nose.  Now, you just appeared in a movie called THE LAST LEGION, in which you play Merlin the sorcerer.  What’s it like finally hitting rock bottom?

KINGSLEY:  I have NOT hit rock bottom!  It’s a very good role in a fine production!

PORFLE:  No, it isn’t.  Who haven’t you worked with that you would like to work with?

KINGSLEY:  Well, I’d really like to do a movie with–

PORFLE:  Wrong.  The correct answer is “Hulk Hogan.”  

KINGSLEY:  I was going to say “Vanessa Redgrave.”

PORFLE:  No, you weren’t.  You were going to say “Carrot Top.”

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