Valentine’s Day is today and the crushing weight of the world has destroyed your desire to party on a weekday night. What is there left to do? Stay in the house and stream some of the greatest Valentine’s Day hits that HBO NOW has available to stream. The use of the word greatest will be stretched to the point of breaking, as you are forced to decide between the following films.
What you will probably watch on Valentine’s Day night.
Valentine’s Day was one of the last offerings from deceased director Garry Marshall. What does being decased have to do with anything? Well, you will feel the terror of an elderly man reaching out from the grave to strangle you with by the numbers bullshit. The film was best remembered as being the vehicle that brought Taylor Swift to the silver screen. This was before Tay Tay ditched Nashville and she was firmly in the Boys Are Cool golly shucks phase of her career. See what thou hath wrought, Yeezy! Look at what you made her do!
About Time is a good movie. What the hell is it doing in this mess? Sometimes, your girlfriend/boyfriend/talking ape/toaster with an attitude/spouse/life partner/prisoner can select a film that isn’t utter garbage. What feels like a recycled idea for a Dr. Who show gives way to a poignant look at how you can make a romantic Sci-Fi fantasy. Nighy, McAdams and Gleeson have never been better. You also get to check out a pre-SMOKIN’ Margot Robbie show up as the disgustingly hot girl from Wolf of Wall Street and xHamster.
Your loved one will ask if that’s the lady who plays Harley Quinn. You will tell them to shut up and watch the movie. They will keep asking and then that’s when you have to start cackling like Cesar Romero while they run around in their Daddy’s Little Monster shirt. If you think having a Harley Quinn fetish is weird, then you’re not prepared for the impending Sharon Tate fetish hitting the Internet by July 2019.
Couples Retreat is a film directed by the Dirt Bike Kid himself aka Peter Billingsley. You will remember him from the invasive TBS marathons of A Christmas Story. That’s the kid movie that even your grandparents hate now due to Ted Turner buttering it up and shoving it inside your turkey hole every Holiday season. What does the once and future Ralphie have to say about couples finding themselves in Paradise? If you said not a lot, then you would be right.
However, I have to give props to Kristin Davis having it together more than Malin Akerman in a movie. She’s the lady that would only expose one breast in Sex and the City and you respected her for that approach. If I wasn’t getting the same amount of cash as Sarah Jessica Parker, I’d make you pay by the boob too. Kristen Bell shows up as Jason Bateman’s child bride. I know she’s about my age, but she looks so young.
Plus, you’ll get to spend half of the movie trying to remember what show she is on. Then, you remember it’s The Good Place. As a couple, you make small talk about how you plan to watch it live. However, both of you don’t need more Millennial era bullshit about High School level philosophy being crammed down your throat. It was cool to see Michael McKean on recently and Janet is the star of the show. Also, damn if I don’t love seeing Ted Danson on NBC. Why aren’t we watching The Good Place tonight?
That’s right, HBO asked me to make an editorial piece. I guess I’m not getting to see the last season of Game of Thrones now.
|Warm Your Heart with these Rom-Coms on Valentine’s Day, Available on HBO NOW!|
This February, indulge in love and laughs with the best Rom-Coms available on HBO NOW, just in time for Valentine’s Day! The perfect movie night at home awaits with a stellar selection of romantic comedies. From timeless 90s classics like “Never Been Kissed” and “Mickey Blue Eyes,” to star-studded ensembles like “He’s Just Not That Into You,” “Valentine’s Day,” HBO has you covered.
Never Been Kissed
Mickey Blue Eyes
He’s Just Not That Into You