I wish that I could go down to City Hall and have people’s names legally changed without their consent. There is a woman who lives across the street from me named “Michelle” whom I would like to rename “Parts: The Clonus Horror” after the old sci-fi movie. Her daughter Lisa I would rename “Fart Blossom” and her little boy Dustin’s new name would be “Doggy Poop.”

Whenever I’d see her in her front yard after that, I would brightly greet her with, “Top o’ the mornin’ to ye, Parts: The Clonus Horror!” and she’d say something like “SHUT UP! I hate you for legally renaming me!” and I’d blithely ignore her retort and inquire, “And how are your lovely children, Fart Blossom and Doggy Poop?” and she would sag to her knees on the lawn and flail around, weeping bitterly and wailing in utter despair. Ha, ha!

Michelle is pregnant again, and if I could legally name her newborn baby before she got a chance to, I would name it “Blood-Drenched Charnel House” (if it were a boy), or “Civilian War Casualties Tallied, Incinerated, and Bulldozed” (if it were a girl).

It would also be fun to be able to legally change the names of characters in movies. That way, Princess Leia’s name could be changed to “Bestiality-Crazed Zoo Whore” and Luke Skywalker’s name could be changed to “Barbecued Babies–Yum-Yum!” Han Solo’s new name, of course, would be “Frankenstein’s Scrotum.”

Dorothy from THE WIZARD OF OZ could become “Professional Dog Butt Sniffer” and The Wizard himself would henceforth be addressed as “Eat Me.” The Scarecrow’s new name would be “Professor Moose Testicles”, the Tin Man would become “Princess Prissy-Pants”, and the beloved Cowardly Lion could choose between either “Courtney Love’s Crabs” or “Wayne Newton.”

E.T.’s new name would be “Live Rats Up Your Bum.” His human friend Elliot would be “Hot-For-Mom Pervert” and Elliot’s cute little sister Gertie would be known simply as “Wolf Vomit.”

The immensely-popular film TITANIC would be retitled HEY, I JUST FOUND SID HAIG’S SKID-MARKED UNDERWEAR IN MY SPAGHETTI. Leonardo DiCaprio’s dashing character “Jack Dawson” would be renamed “Mr. Warthog Tits” while his romantic interest, “Rose DeWitt Bukater”, would now be referred to as “Ed Gein.”

For GODFATHER fans: Michael Corleone’s new name would be “I Have A Squirrel Penis.” Sonny Corleone’s name could be “Gee, Your Unwiped Rear End Smells Terrific!” Fredo’s name would be changed to “Dr. Corey Feldman, Hollywood Gynecologist”, and adopted brother Tom Hagen would be known as “Miss Eunice Lipschitz.”

Superman’s pal Jimmy Olsen would answer to the name “Hey, I’ll Lick Anything Moist”, while Supe’s plucky girlfriend Lois Lane would become “Please Shove 150 Burritos Up My Ass.” The celebrated Man of Steel himself would henceforth be addressed as “Andy Rooney’s Throbbing Hemmorhoids.”

Tony “Scarface” Montana’s new name would be “Blake Witherspoon, Official Pope-Fluffer.” Sosa the cocaine kingpin’s name would be changed to “Allow Me To Floss My Teeth With Your Grandmother’s Nose Hair.” Tony’s erstwhile boss, Frank Lopez, would be known as “Intense Hamster Orgasms”, while his lovely wife Elvira’s name could be changed to “The Nauseating Stench Of Ten-Thousand Steaming Rhinoceros Turds.”

Yes, it’s too bad we can’t really legally change the names of people, movies, fictional characters, etc. at our slightest whim, but it’s a fun thing to think about. So next time you’re bored, just play PORFLE’S NAUGHTY NAME GAME with your friends, family, and/or church fellowship group!


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