If I ever become a famous movie star, I’m going to change my name to something cool, like “Breen Crudflop.” So if you ever see a movie sometime in the future with Breen Crudflop in it, that’ll be me. Unless, of course, someone steals my cool movie star name before I get a chance to use it, in which case you’ll only be seeing a Breen Crudflop impersonator. So if you ever see someone like Morgan Freeman or Robert DeNiro in a movie, but they’re billed as “Breen Crudflop”, it means they have stolen my cool movie star name.

If I ever become a famous pornstar, then I will change my name to something mildly suggestive yet tasteful, such as Pecker McGoo or Weenis von Testicles. You have to be really careful in choosing a pornstar name because if you eventually cross over into mainstream films, you don’t want your pornstar name to be an embarrassment. Traci Lords managed this because her name sounds okay as a regular movie star name. But more obvious porn names such as Busty Funbags, Lotta Gash, Wang Chung, Peter O’Toole, or even Horatio Goatblower might prove awkward if you’re auditioning for a part in the next Merchant Ivory production.

That’s why I would go with something appropriate enough for porn yet neutral enough to fit right into the mainstream. I can see it now: “Pecker McGoo IS James Bond 007.” Or perhaps: “Merchant Ivory presents a Kenneth Branaugh film, LAST SUNSET AT HILLCREST MANOR, starring Anthony Hopkins, Helen Mirren, and introducing Weenis von Testicles as ‘Lord Mountbatten.'” Whew–now that’s practically dripping all over the place with class. Eat your heart out, Hugh Grant!

You may be saying to yourself: “Huh?” But believe me, the right name is hugely important to us future movie legends. That’s why I have several other backup names just in case somebody like Brad Pitt or Jude Law steals “Breen Crudflop” out from under me. Names that sound cool and sexy, yet distinguished, and befitting my lofty status as a great actor. Names like:

Smelford C. Melnflebber
Herschel Suzuki
Fendick Swern
Sullivan Fitzchickens
Dick Sargent
F. Murray Frankenstein
Norcroft “Slappy” Butts
Beaufort Shmeck
Vincent M. Roosternuts

As you can see, any one of these names adorning a marquee would have frantic ticket buyers stampeding into movie theaters faster than a herd of cheese-crazed bagel thieves. Of course, my leading lady would have to have an equally impressive movie star name, so I would insist that she change it before being allowed to share billing with me. In anticipation of this, I have taken the liberty of creating beautiful new movie star names for some current actresses for when they’re lucky enough to co-star with me in one of my upcoming movies. For example:

Winona Ryder’s horrible-sounding name will be changed to “Arnetta Wilfrink.”
The bland “Angelina Jolie” will blossom into the exotic “Schmelda Goines.”
Dame Judi Dench’s new, even more distinguished name will be “Dame Alfredine Squirtypants.”
Meryl Streep will enjoy a surefire career boost as “Fritzi Ogreton.”
The downright offensive-sounding “Hilary Duff” will upgrade to the sassy “Nutragena Fugnertz.”
Perennial favorite Barbra Streisand will bask in renewed glory as “Rushetta M. Reaganbush.”
Jennifer Lopez will charm audiences all over again with the name “Jubilina Porkstuffer”, which can be shortened to the hiphop street name “J-Pork”, or “Porky From the Block.”
And Halle Berry’s star will shine even brighter than ever when she becomes “Miss Maxine Alligator-Intestines.”

I know all of this wonderfulness seems too much to hope for, but even now I’m starting to make my dreams come true by taking a mail-order correspondence course from The Vin Diesel Academy of Fine Acting and Indoor Plumbing. Just last week I sent in my final exam video, in which I enacted Emily Bronte’s “Wuthering Heights” in its entirety while installing a beige, low-rise, one-piece porcelain power toilet with an elongated base and dual flush capacity (known as “The Turdinator”), and Vin himself awarded me with a solid B-minus and a special “Buttcrack of the Month” notarized certificate. He also said that, with my skills, I should soon be “flush” with offers! I’m assuming he meant, like, from Hollywood!

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