I haven’t had cable-TV for two years, and I can’t pick up local stations either, so I have no idea what the hell is on TV these days. I haven’t even seen a single episode of most of the newer shows. So I’ve decided to tell you why I hate them anyway.

“American Idol”: I hate this show. I actually watched a couple of episodes when it first came on, and it made me want to go on a tri-state killing spree. It’s embarrassing to see people get up and try to sing in front of everybody, with the naive idea that they’ll sound just like they think they sound when they’re singing in front of the mirror at home, which they don’t. Watching them glance around nervously as this realization begins to sink in and the flop sweat starts gushing out of their armpits is just painful, especially when Simon Cowell starts giving them that look that says “I hate you and you should die horribly for wasting this valuable minute of my precious life with your wretched presence, you worthless piece of human garbage.” Even the people who are pretty good are just average. I mean, Kelly Clarkson? Clay Aiken? I could throw flour tortillas at my turntable and it would sound just as good. William Hung? Ha, ha, that was funny for about as long as it took me to start projectile vomiting all over my livingroom. Listening to this crap instead of my very own record collection full of great music would be like saying “T-bone steak? No, thanks–I’m going to fill up on this delicious Halloween candy corn instead.”

Simon Cowell is a colossal horse’s ass. In fact, I’d love to see his entire head forcibly shoved up an elephant’s asshole during halftime at the Super Bowl. Randy Jackson–is he like, the guy from the Jackson Five? I swear I never even made the connection until about two weeks ago. He looks like what would happen if Gary Coleman turned into the Hulk. And Paula, I kinda liked that song you did that time, like, about ten or fifteen years ago. Now go pose for a bunch of naked pictures while you still look good so we’ll have them to enjoy after you prune out.

“Lost”: I hate this show. I’ve never seen it, but I hate it. “Lost” is the show everybody mentions whenever the conversation turns to television. “Have you seen ‘Lost’?” No, I haven’t. “Well, you should watch it.” Well, you should go have sex with your dog.

I think “Lost” is about some people whose plane crashed on a remote island or something. Gosh, that’s original. Except for that show back in the friggin’ 60s about some people whose plane crashed on a remote island. Or that show called “Gilligan’s Island” about some people whose boat set ground on the shore of a remote island. Or that other movie or TV series about some people who got stranded on a remote island. Maybe somebody should start “The Remote Island Channel”–they would never run out of programming. “But this show is different”, I can hear you saying. Oh my god…I’m hearing voices. I knew this would happen eventually. What was the sales pitch for this thing anyway? “It’s CASTAWAY meets AIRPORT meets TWIN PEAKS!!!” Well, how about “me” meets “you” meets “shut up.”

“CSI”: I hate this show. Or rather, these shows, since this is one of those concepts, like “Law and Order”, which was just so great that a single series couldn’t contain it. I hate “Law and Order.” Somebody should’ve dropped Shelley Winters on Jerry Orbach while they still had the chance. “Law and Order” is produced by a guy named Dick Wolf. I’d love to see him filling out one of those forms where you have to put your last name first: “Wolf, Dick.” He sounds like a gay monster in a porno horror flick. “Oh my god, it’s DICK WOLF! RUN!”

Anyway, I watched “CSI” once, so I know that the big draw is that it’s about dead people and stuff. Oh boy, can’t get enough dead people. Hey, look–dead people! Let’s examine them! The star of the show is one of my favorite actors, William Petersen, from two of my favorite movies, TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A. and MANHUNTER, which most idiots have never even heard of. Now, instead of being known for these great movies, he will be forever known as “the CSI guy.” If I try to mention one of these movies to someone and say that William Petersen is in it, they will invariably say “Oh yeah…he’s the guy from ‘CSI'” and I will say “SHUT UP!!!” and try to kill them. Until it occurs to me that if I kill them, then a CSI team will be sent out to investigate, which would be genuine irony and not just Alannis Morissette irony like “rain on your wedding day” or something. And I hate irony. It’s fun in the movies, but if something ironic happens in real life, it usually sucks.

“Desperate Housewives”: SHUT UP!!!

“Dancing With The Stars”: I hate this show. This is another one I’ve never seen, and it makes me glad that I don’t have TV and can watch only DVDs and videotapes, because I have a whole bunch of DVDs and videotapes that don’t have stars trying to dance, and I can watch hours and hours of fabulous entertainment without even once seeing a star trying to dance. And if a DVD actually does contain footage of a star trying to dance, there’s usually some indication of this on the cover so that I’m forewarned and can run outside real quick and toss it like a Frisbee as hard as I possibly can and try to hit my neighbor’s front door across the street so they’ll think someone’s knocking on their door and go answer it, and if the DVD somehow survives the impact they go “hey, free DVD” and take it inside, and then they have to decide whether to watch the DVD or “Dancing With The Stars” that night, right before I burn their house down. And then a CSI team is sent out to investigate the next day, and I scream “IRONY! YAAAAAAA!!!” and it’s just like being in a story O. Henry might have written right after somebody dropped Shelley Winters on him.


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