(NOTE: This was originally posted during the big Spice Girls comeback. You don’t remember? That’s okay, nobody else does, either.)
The Spice Girls are back! Yes, in answer to the non-stop worldwide clamor for their return, the Spice Girls–Baby, Zippy, Dorky, Dopey, and Poopy–or something like that–are power-farting out of the buttocks of obscurity and gnawing their way back into our hearts like rats in a cheese factory.
Hmm…I don’t remember clamoring for their return. Was that you? Do you know anybody who did? Somebody must have. I wish I’d heard them doing it so I could’ve said, “Hey, please stop that. They might hear you and actually do it.”
As they say on their website, “In true Girl Power tradition we are taking over the world…again!” What, exactly, is Spice Girls-style “Girl Power”? The power to answer a cattle call and get picked for a pre-fab singing group that performs somebody else’s songs while ripping off the Brady Kids’ choreography? Or is it simply the power to be talentless and stupid, yet famous? If that’s the case, girls like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears should blast forth from each drunken car crash or nutso assault incident with a triumphant cry of “GIRL POWER!!!”
Of course, it isn’t pronounced “girl power.” It’s “GULL POWAH, YAH!!!” And you have to make a “peace sign” when you say it. But it has to look stupid, like you don’t really have any idea what it means besides “Ay, you–check out me bristols, YAH!!!” Ginger (nee “Sexy”) Spice is the best one at this, because when she does it she looks the most like a zoned-out street hooker staggering off a curb and trying to sprawl face-first through some guy’s passenger window.
Their “Spice City” campaign, in which fans get to “vote for the girls to play in YOUR SPICE CITY!!!” seems to be picking up a lot of momentum. Trouble is, the city that seems to be the overwhelming choice so far among internet fans is Baghdad. Now, that would be a fun concert–peace signs, boobies, and Gull Powah for everybody! They’d have those lucky Iraqis ziggy-zig-ahhin’ their heads off all over the place, YAH!!!
Well, I just don’t know what else to say. The Spice Girls are back, so the end of the world can’t be far off–I’m sure the Book of Revelations mentions them somewhere. I like a lot of their songs, but I like “Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp”, too. And mustard greens. And picking at my gums with a toothpick until it actually hurts. I don’t know why. And I’m not sure that’s going to be enough to launch the Spice Girls back into Spiceworld. But it does give us a chance to make fun of them all over again–WHICH AT THE END OF THE DAY IS, LIKE, SUPAH, INNIT!!! (double peace sign) GULL POWAH, YAH!!!