(NOTE: This was originally posted before Heath Ledger’s death.)
I recently conducted a fictitious, yet highly-revealing “round robin” interview with the notorious “Hollywood Five”, a disparate group of movie stars with little in common save for one thing: their legendary obsession with pizza. Tension hung heavy in the air like a gaseous cloud as these celebrities released their pent-up load of intimate revelations, both professional and deeply personal, upon my relentless urging. What eventually emerged from these laborious sessions is revealed here.
ERNEST BORGNINE: This sure is good pizza.
PORFLE: Shut up. Tom Cruise–why are you such a big, fat idiot?
TOM CRUISE: Hmmm. I don’t know.
MEL GIBSON: I know!
PORFLE: What? You know why Tom Cruise is such a big, fat idiot, or why you yourself are such a big, fat idiot?
MEL GIBSON: Uhh…”D.”
PORFLE: Excuse me?
MEL GIBSON: “D. All of the above.” (emits bug-eyed laugh)
JESSICA ALBA: This pizza is the best pizza I’ve ever–
PORFLE: Shut up. Heath Ledger, what the hell makes you think that you will make a decent Joker in the new “Batman” movie?
HEATH LEDGER: Well, I’m quite the “joker” in real life. Just yesterday, I heard someone on the street say, “Call me a cab.” So I yelled, “Okay–you’re a cab!” Ha, ha!
PORFLE: Go to Sweden and get a sex-change operation.
HEATH LEDGER: Okay. (leaves)
PORFLE: Mel, what’s your next film project?
MEL GIBSON: Something different–a children’s story. It’s called “Inside We Know, Outside We Grow.” I decided I wanted to do a family picture that Mom and Dad can take their kids to for a change.
PORFLE: How many people get their guts ripped out in it?
MEL GIBSON: Thirty-five. No, wait, there’s the “picnic” scene…uh, fifty.
PORFLE: Any beheadings? Dismemberments? Castrations?
MEL GIBSON: Hey, I gotta save something for the sequel! (emits bug-eyed laugh)
ERNEST BORGNINE AND JESSICA ALBA: (in unison) Piz-ZA! Piz-ZA! Piz-ZA!
PORFLE: What is it with you two?
ERNEST BORGNINE: We’re getting married!
JESSICA ALBA: At Pizza Hut! And instead of rice, everyone will throw anchovies at us!
ERNEST BORGNINE: And our bed will be filled with all the different kinds of pizza toppings so we can roll around on them while we have sex!
JESSICA ALBA: SEX! SEX! SEX!
PORFLE: Tom, why are you wearing a clown suit and clown makeup?
TOM CRUISE: Because I’m currently filming a new movie called “Fartso The Clown.”
PORFLE: Oh…so, you’re playing the title role?
TOM CRUISE: No. “Fartso” will be played by Jude Law. Morgan Freeman will portray his father, “Stinko.”
PORFLE: What part do you play?
TOM CRUISE: I’m directing it.
JESSICA ALBA: Can I be in it? (cuts monstrous fart)
TOM CRUISE: Yes.
JESSICA ALBA: YAAAAY!!!
ERNEST BORGNINE: I wanna [cuts even more monstrous fart] be in it, too!
TOM CRUISE: Okay. (cuts resolute-sounding fart)
MEL GIBSON: I want to combine your movie with my movie, Tom. We could call it “Inside Fartso The Clown Knows, Outside Fartso The Clown Grows.” (rips deafening fart that blows the seat of his pants off)
TOM CRUISE: Okay. (cuts high-pitched, musical fart)
PORFLE: I think this pizza has given everyone gas…
JESSICA ALBA: You know what I think?
JESSICA ALBA: (blasts a sustained fart that sounds like the trumpet section of the Boston Pops Orchestra) That! Ha, ha!
TOM CRUISE: Anybody got any Beano? (farts percussively)
ERNEST BORGNINE: No, but I sure do love pizza! (rips a fart that sounds like a herd of elephants being run over by a fleet of steamrollers)
HEATH LEDGER: I’m back.
PORFLE: I thought you went to Sweden to get a sex-change operation.
HEATH LEDGER: I was going to, but then I began to fart uncontrollably. (farts uncontrollably)
PORFLE: Well, I’m sorta glad you didn’t. I was just kidding before.
HEATH LEDGER: Whew…that was close. (cuts eye-watering fart that instantly wilts a nearby potted plant)
TOM CRUISE: Would you like to be in our new movie, Heath? (cuts inquisitive-sounding fart)
HEATH LEDGER: Do I have to audition for it first? (launches an ear-splitting fart that shatters three half-inch-thick plate glass windows)
MEL GIBSON: You just did! (emits bug-eyed laugh and huge, wet-sounding fart)
ERNEST BORGNINE AND JESSICA ALBA: (farting in unison) Ha, ha!
TOM CRUISE: Ha, ha–MEL! NO! DON’T LIGHT THAT CIGARETTE–