Hiya, folks–thanks for coming to my show. I’m really glad to be here. Come to think of it, I’m really glad to be anywhere, because if I wasn’t, it would mean that I didn’t exist.

Hey, ever notice how people eat when they’re hungry? That’s messed up. I think people should eat when they’re thirsty. And have sex when they’re hungry. And drink when they’re horny.

I was looking at my feet the other day and noticing that I have ten toes. Why ten? I don’t get it. Ten toes. Why not twelve? Why not twenty? Or fifty? Why not a thousand toes? And while I’m thinking about it, why aren’t people born with unicycles between their legs? Huh?

I think that babies should be taught to ride motorcycles before they learn how to walk. Not little baby-sized ones, of course–that would be ridiculous. I’m talking about real, full-sized Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Choppers, full-dressers, whatever. This probably wouldn’t be any kind of advantage in the baby’s development or anything, but it would be interesting to watch. And you could set up ramps for them so they could try to jump over stuff. Just imagine the YouTube videos. “Ha, ha, here comes baby”–crash.

Relationships…hoo, boy. I lived with this chick once, it was a nightmare. Sure, I tried to be Mr. Nice Guy, but she was never satisfied. Like, she kept insisting that I should let her live INSIDE the house. I’m like, “What? Who’s gonna bark at prowlers? I can’t afford to feed a dog.” And she didn’t share my love for Easter Egg hunts, either. Even though I tried to make them more fun by replacing the Easter Eggs with my used underwear for her to wash after she found them all. You’d think, “fun”–right? She just didn’t get it.

You know what I like? Ice cream. I like to shove it in my underwear. Like, about two, three gallons, you know? Pack it in there, right around my goodies. Makes me feel like an ice cream cone…like a human ice cream cone. Walk around in the park and say to people, “Hey, you–come lick the human ice cream cone.” Anybody tries to mess with you, you just fly away. You know, like Superman.

I tried being one of those birthday party clowns for awhile, but it didn’t work out. I was Ku Klux Klown. I’d burn a cross in front of the kids, you know, dance around it chanting “white power”, stuff like that. Then I’d make funny balloon animals. It got to where nobody would hire me after a few times. I think it might’ve been because of the balloon animals. Kids today just have a shorter attention span.

And hey, what about this political situation in the world today? Is it nuts or what? Huh? Am I right? I can’t believe some of this stuff going on. I look at the paper and think “wow.” Just, “wow.” Freaky.

Well, thanks everyone, you’ve been great. Here’s a little song I like to close my show with:

(bouncy music)

Oh, I love to entertain
And share my funny brain
With all you lovely people in the audience.

I kid with some of you
And tell a joke or two
And even (FRRRRT!!!) release a little flatulence.

Before you leave, I think that you should know
I peed in all your drinks before the show

So don’t forget to laugh
Have sex with a giraffe
Then encase yourselves in concrete and explode.


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