I don’t understand why this new spam is filled with such ridiculous-sounding names and absurd nonsense phrases. I just got one on Yahoo! mail from a sender named Buford Hendrix, containing a lame sex site link and the message:
What the hell is that supposed to mean? I engage in nonpopery every day, and so does everyone else I know. What possible extreme of wanton nonpopery could one possibly engage in for it to be described as “disgustful”? As for the other thing, it’s nice to tell someone to do things melodiously, but “forgering” doesn’t really lend itself to melodiousness. It isn’t even a friggin’ verb, for Pete’s sake. It’s like saying “rhinoceros discreetly” to someone and expecting them to do it.
Oh, and while I was on the dictionary website looking up “forger” to see if there was any possible way to use it as a verb, I also decided to look up “nonpopery” to see if it really meant what I thought it did. Well, it isn’t even a word. “Popery” refers to “the doctrines, practices, and rituals of the Roman Catholic Church” and is described as an “offensive” term. But there’s no reference to nonpopery, probably for the same reason there aren’t words like nonclownery, nonbrainsurgeonery, or noncrackwhorery. If you aren’t acting like a clown, a brain surgeon, or a crackwhore, there just isn’t any need for there to be a word for it. People just don’t point at other people and exclaim, “Wow! What an amazing display of nonpopery. Take a picture, Harry.”
I’m going through my current backlog of Outlook Express spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, and spam right now, and the first thing I see is a message from someone named Iorgo Gamaliel with the topic line, “Muscovy diffractometer see flageolet consume sowbelly advisee.” Okay, no human being could have invented that line. It must’ve been churned out by some computer that has been set on “silly.” And I don’t know why this is supposed to get me all excited to open this particular message, read it, and click on or purchase whatever it’s promoting. I don’t think I really need a Muscovy diffractometer right now, and I’m not sure I’m interested in anything a sowbelly advisee would have to say while being consumed by a flageolet. Personally, I think Iorgo Gamaliel must be some kind of a nut.
Another message, from a Cletus Mungo, promises “babe gushing Santiago Souza.” Well, I don’t want to see a babe gushing Santiago Souza. If I wanted to see a babe gushing something, it sure as hell wouldn’t be Santiago Souza. It sounds like either a Mexican wrestler or some kind of spaghetti sauce. Anyway, it strikes me as something a gynecologist would have nightmares about.
Here’s one: “Sexy chortlers Russian beauties.” Hmm…come to think of it, chortling is kind of sexy. I’d pay to see some Russian beauties chortling, as long as it costs, like, a nickel. But I kinda doubt if whatever shitty website this is promoting has a nickel membership level. Along the same lines, another subject line reads “Sexy overcapitalized Russian beauties.” Oh my god, I think I’d pay a whole dime to see them.
Ed Schneider–and who could refuse an offer from a stranger named Ed Schneider?–proclaims “implacable Frigidaire bernadine illusionary district childlike architect christy checkup.” Ed, it’s taking a monumental effort of willpower to keep me from throwing money at you just to find out what the hell that means.
Palmer Vanderbilt says, “I’d love to meet you, I am ANGELICA.” Well, who are you–Palmer Vanderbilt or ANGELICA? I wouldn’t mind meeting someone named Palmer Vanderbilt, just to kick him in the balls. But if I did, ANGELICA would probably beat the crap out of me.
Finally, Imelda Mokienko offers to show me “gorgeous European hoattie gets drilled hard.” Well, thank you, Imelda. Nothing like a gorgeous hoattie getting drilled, especially if she’s European. And hard, too. I just can’t watch porn anymore unless someone gets drilled hard. The harder the better. I was watching some porn with the guys the other day, and I remember saying, “You know, this is pretty good porn, but I just don’t think that hoattie is getting drilled hard enough. Don’t you have anything with harder drilling in it?” and one guy said “How about ‘Drill Hard’ starring Bruce Weenis?” and I said “Oh, boy! Yay!” I didn’t really, I’m just being sarcastic.