(I wrote this a long time ago so it’s a little out of date.)
Well, the big news in the entertainment industry right now is that it looks as though Paris Hilton is going to jail. Come to think of it, that is pretty entertaining. She recently sent a request for a pardon to Governor Schwarzenegger, citing that she should be allowed to remain on the loose because she brings such joy to the dreary lives of all us faceless drones. And also because “Nixon got one.” But I don’t know if that’s a very good comparison, because Rich Little did a really funny Nixon and I don’t think he would be able to do a very good Paris Hilton unless he just got really drunk and threw up onstage or blew a guy or something. Anyway, when Arnold was notified about her request for a pardon, he was quoted as saying: “BWAAAH-ha-haaaaa!!!” Then he did one of those “crab” poses that muscle guys do and ripped the back of his suit in half, and cut a fart so loud that it shattered all the windows in his office and blew his secretary through a wall. I don’t know much about politics, but I think that qualifies as a “no.”
There’s a “keep Paris Hilton out of jail” petition somewhere online right now in case any of you feel compelled to sign it. I’d sign it, but I’m busy clipping my dog’s toenails right now. There’s also a “send Paris Hilton to Mars” petition, and last I heard their server exploded and took out three city blocks, including, ironically, an In-And-Out Burger. Of course, if she actually were stranded on Mars, she would die horribly pretty fast, but MTV could probably stretch it into a couple of very special episodes of “The Simple Life.” I don’t know how scientifically-accurate TOTAL RECALL was, but it would be cool to see Paris Hilton’s eyeballs bug out like that, and her head expand like a balloon, and her tongue stick out and flop around like a big, greasy hot link. Somebody could set it to music, like maybe “Itching Swelling Brain” by Devo or the theme music from “Monty Python” or “Teletubbies”, and put the video on YouTube for people of all ages to enjoy.
I don’t really harbor any ill will toward Paris Hilton, at least not any more than I do for anyone else who gets busted for driving with a suspended license while on probation for DUI, or records songs like “Screwed.” The only detrimental thing she ever did to me personally was make me want to barf. But I make plenty of people want to barf myself, and if that were a crime, I’d be in a gym or a laundry room somewhere after “lights out”, getting buttslammed by the kind of guys that I usually only see in Rob Zombie movies. Because with my luck, no matter what prison or jail or correctional facility that they sent me to, I’d be the “pretty one.”