Here are some of the sayings that I find extremely irritating. Please do not use them around me, and if you must, please give me advance warning so that I can pre-emptively attack you.

“Just sayin’.” Some people think it’s really cute to complain or make a snide, smart-ass comment about something, and then cutely end it with the phrase “just sayin’.” You can almost see them putting their finger under their chin and making an “aww, aren’t I cute?” face when they say it. Here’s an example: “Uhh…aren’t you a little old to be watching ‘Howdy Doody’? Just sayin’.”

F*** YOU!!!!!!!! Just sayin’.

“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” Sorry, but I do hate you–because you’re beautiful.

“Death is just a part of life.” Really? Well, then it’s an incredibly crappy part of life that I will continue to complain about, so you might as well just shut up.

Let’s see–that time I went to Disneyland when I was a kid? That was a really good part of life. First sexual experience? Good. Seeing Devo in person? Good. Death? Hmmm, that’s a tough one…wait, no it isn’t. IT SUCKS. DUMBASS. So, next time you feel like you’re some wise old sage doling out wisdom like somebody’s old pipe-smokin’ grampaw, go outside and say “Mnyehh, death is just a part of life” to my dog. She will look at you as though you actually deserve the attention, and wag her tail, so maybe you won’t feel quite like the huge, blithering dickhead that you are.

“A stitch in time saves nine.” “Time” doesn’t rhyme with “nine”, stupid.

“There may be snow on the roof, but there’s still fire in the furnace.” That’s great. Too bad the house looks like shit.

“You look like you fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every limb on the way down.” This irritates me because it forces my mind to envision something called “the ugly tree.” Like, there’s some tree with ugly people in it, either sitting around on the branches or hanging off of it like some horrible human fruit, and every once in a while one of them falls to the ground and gets up, and suddenly there’s one more ugly person walking around.

This image is almost too bizarre for my mind to bear, so whenever someone uses this expression it bugs me for the rest of the day. It makes me want to get revenge on this person by stealing a bunch of corpses from the local morgue, breaking into their house while they’re asleep, and leaving the corpses lounging around in the livingroom watching TV or sitting around the kitchen table waiting for breakfast. When the person wakes up, finds the surprise I’ve arranged for him, and starts screaming, I would pop out from behind something and shout, “VENGEANCE IS MINE!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!” and they wouldn’t even know what I was referring to, which would make it even better.

Somehow, I doubt if the entire phrase was even created all at once. It sounds to me like one backwoods yokel with two teeth drawled, “Yew look like yew fell out’n the ugly tree, heh heh” and then his cackling little toady added, “Yeah, and hit ever’ limb on the way down”, and the first guy said, “Yeah, and hit ever’ limb on the way down, heh heh.” You know, sort of like a tag-team deal.

Maybe a lot of old sayings started out as team efforts. In fact, legend tells us that Benjamin Franklin originally stated: “Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy.” And when someone suggested adding “wealthy and wise” to the end, Franklin thought about it for a moment and said, “Hmm…doesn’t make any frikkin’ sense, but it rhymes.” And indeed, the simple addition of this rhyme has fooled all subsequent generations into believing that going to bed early and getting up early will somehow make them richer and smarter, which, of course, is total bullshit.

“One hand washes the other.” I’m so sick of the idea that hands are forever destined to wash each other. Don’t you think a hand ever reaches a point where it dreads seeing that other hand coming at it with a bar of soap yet again? Don’t you think that, just once, a hand might like to get washed by a foot? Heck, with enough practice, you could easily wash your hand with your face. And with a little imagination you can turn your own buttocks into a fun, frothy “car wash” for your hand. Plus, this would free up the other hand to do something else for a change, like whack off.

I am currently training myself to wash my entire body using only my feet, head, and buttocks, which will release both of my hands from the bondage of washing so they can do all sorts of other stuff. I’d like to be able to tell everyone how to do this, but just following some instructions won’t cut it–like kung fu, you just have to do it over and over until you get good at it. It’s not like Keanu Reeves putting a thing on his head and then five seconds later saying, “Whoa…I know how to wash my hair with my ass.” Personally, I have been undergoing this rigid discipline for over fourteen years, and am still far from the point at which I’ll be able to snatch a pebble from someone’s hand with my buttocks. But I can do crossword puzzles and play the xylophone while taking a shower and still come out clean as a whistle.


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