I have never eaten a Hawaiian pizza, but I hate them anyway. The very thought of a pizza with pineapple chunks on it makes me want to barf all over Arianna Huffington’s head just so I can hear her scream “VAT FOR YOU DOO DAT!!! VAT VAT VAAAAT!!! FOR VHY ISS YOU TROW OP ON MY HEAD!!! VAAAAA!!!” Every time I hear Arianna Huffington talk, I keep expecting Eb to saunter in and ask “What’s for supper, Mrs. Douglas?” Eb would probably like Hawaiian pizza, too, but I’m not so sure he’d still like it if I barfed one all over his head.
A surefire indication of how horrible Hawaiian pizza is would be to examine some of the historical figures and other famous idiots who have loved Hawaiian pizza. For example, Adolf Hitler loved Hawaiian pizzas so much that he once said, “Bring me a Hawaiian pizza right now, or I will invade Poland.” Nobody could come up with a Hawaiian pizza at that particular moment, so sure enough, he invaded Poland. And in Poland, it is now illegal to eat Hawaiian pizza or to even like Hawaiian pizza, which is why there are so many Polish immigrants in the United States. Of course, there are other reasons why they come here, but Hawaiian pizza is always number one on the list whether they or the United States government will admit it.
Hawaiian pizza is a catastrophic culture clash on a platter. Pizza is an inherently Italian food item, and you just don’t usually think of Italy and Hawaii at the same time unless there’s something contagious going around. Try to imagine Vito and Sonny Corleone walking around on Waikiki Beach in pinstripe suit jackets and swim trunks and snorkles. Vito would stroke his chin with the back of his hand and croak, “Ehh, Santino…go and get me another chi-chi drink and some of that pizza with the pineapple chunks on it” and Sonny would shout “HEY POP! I sure do love that f**king Hawaiian pizza!” and Vito would grab him by the lapels and growl “Never let anyone outside the family know what you’re thinking again!” Virgil Solozzo would overhear this, of course, and think, “Hmm…Sonny’s hot for my Hawaiian pizza franchise deal” and try to force the Corleones to back his scheme to open up a chain of Hula Huts in New York, New Jersey, and, for some reason, Utah. And then Fredo would waddle up in swim fins, a giant snorkle, and a Speedo, and cry “Hey, Pa! Hey, Sonny! You don’t even hafta go to the JOHN around here! You can just PEE IN THE OCEAN!” Vito, Sonny, and Fredo would all throw their heads back and laugh, there would be a freeze frame, and the closing credits would roll.
I know what you’re saying right now: “But, porfle–Hawaiian pizza gives me a tingly and not-altogether-unpleasant sensation in my butt!” Well, I can’t argue with that. What I can do, though, is to quote a famous scientist who has dedicated his entire life to diligently investigating this phenomenon: “Oh, my god! I’ve wasted my entire life! I could’ve been doing something important…what the hell happened! Hawaiian pizza? WTF?” I hope you can understand my point a bit more clearly now.
Hawaiian pizza is bad for you, bad for me, bad for our country at this time. But most of all, it’s bad for the children. “I believe the children are our future” Whitney Houston once informed us in song. Which is a load of crap, because by the time the future gets here, the children will all be grown-ups. Hey, if the children are so smart, let’s put them in charge of the government for awhile and see how well they handle things. Oh boy, it’s National Lollipop Day! Wow, the stock market just crashed! Hey, the entire rest of the world just attacked us and took over while the three branches of our government were out playing with kitty cats! Yes, the children are stupid. I say we feed them all the Hawaiian pizza they want until they f**king explode.
If, after everything I’ve just said, you still insist on liking Hawaiian pizza, then here’s my special personal recipe for homestyle Hawaiian pizza that you can make yourself.
1. Make some pizza dough
2. Shove it up your a**
3. Get some pineapples
4. Shove them up your a**
5. Dance around naked in your front yard until you get arrested