(NOTE: This was originally posted before Heath Ledger’s death.)
Hey, here’s me making fun of various celebrities by making up quotes by them that they never actually said but that, in a perfect world, they really would say. It may not be all that funny, but I think you’ll agree that it’s a cute thing for me to do.
GEORGE CLOONEY: “I am Forrest Tucker’s illegitimate son.”
MADONNA: “I’m so sexy, I have performed my act for caged squirrels and they have gotten sexually excited.”
NICOLE KIDMAN: “My main regret in life is that I don’t have abnormally huge feet. Oh, wait…I do have abnormally huge feet.”
SYLVESTER STALLONE: “I have never seen Neil Sedaka do a poledance in a string bikini, but I’d like to.”
KATIE COURIC: “It is now illegal for me to fart in the state of California.”
TED KOPPEL: “I was once abducted by aliens, taken to a planet in the Andromeda galaxy, and shown photographs of Burt Reynolds in a hammock.”
STEVEN SEAGAL: “I wear a hundred different pairs of underwear every day, and then I auction them all off for charity. So far, I have raised two-hundred and eighty-five billion dollars.”
OPRAH WINFREY: “Truly, this is a ‘Mike Tyson Christmas.'”
BEN AFFLECK: “At this point, I honestly do not know whether or not I could fit a ten-speed bicycle down my pants. Really, I just don’t know.”
PARIS HILTON: “It’s real easy to fool little kids into thinking you’re a horse. Just whinny a lot, and then take a big, steaming crap out in the street.”
PAUL MCCARTNEY: “Believe it or not, music is actually my second love. My first love is collecting Steven Seagal’s used underwear.”
FRED DALTON THOMPSON: “I can still bend over and touch my toes–with my scrotum.”
MICHAEL JACKSON: “I’ve often considered getting a sex change. But I could never decide which one to change to.”
ALANNIS MORRISETTE: “You know what’s really ironic? The fact that I once shoved a ’57 Buick Skylark up my ass.”
MARTIN SCORSESE: “David Hasselhoff has leapt out from behind a bush and bitten me on the leg at least eleven times since 1992.”
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: “I have in my possession indisputable scientific evidence that Roger Ebert is a werewolf.”
NEIL ARMSTRONG: “The moon landing was a hoax–Buzz Aldrin and I were really on the planet Mars.”
DAKOTA FANNING: “It’s simple–just ram an ordinary number two pencil through the soft part of the throat and up into the brain, and boom, they’re dead.”
Here is my fictitious mini-interview with actor Heath Ledger.
PORFLE: How were you cast as the Joker?
HEATH: Well, I–
PORFLE: Shut up.
PORFLE: Did you enjoy working with director Christopher Nolan?
HEATH: Yes, it was a real learning experience for me.
PORFLE: How so?
HEATH: Well, for one thing, Chris taught me how to tap-dance. And he also showed me how to construct a device that can detect whether or not the person it’s hooked up to knows Richard Simmons personally.
PORFLE: Have you used the device on anyone yet?
HEATH: I secretly used it on you just now. The readings were inconclusive–there’s a thirty-seven percent chance that you know Richard Simmons.
PORFLE: What makes you think that you can do a better job as the Joker than Jack Nicholson? Or even Caesar Romero?
HEATH: Because they’re stupid. Jack Nicholson is so stupid, he washes his face with bubble gum. And Caesar Romero is so stupid he wears an inferior brand of underwear.
PORFLE: And you always wear the correct underwear?
HEATH: I wear Joker underwear. I like to immerse myself in a character in every way–that’s why I’m so good. I eat Joker sandwiches for lunch. I drink Joker cola. When I have sex, I only use Joker condoms.
PORFLE: Joker condoms? Are they dependable?
Here is my fictitious mini-interview with actor Ben Kingsley.
PORFLE: You’ve had a very distinguished career.
KINGSLEY: Thank you. I try to choose roles that–
PORFLE: I didn’t say it was good. I just said it was distinguished.
PORFLE: Didn’t you play Ghandi?
KINGSLEY: Oh yes, I did. Probably my finest hour, that. What a fortunate happenstance that Sir Richard Attenborough selected me to portray such a beloved–
PORFLE: Weren’t you embarrassed playing a wimpy little bald doofus in a bedsheet?
KINGSLEY: (visibly perturbed) I most certainly was not. Ghandi was an enormously inspiring and influential historical figure, whose philosophy of peaceful resistance was a major turning point in–
PORFLE: Did you just fart?
KINGSLEY: What? Of course not.
PORFLE: This “Sir Richard Attenborough” guy is pretty short. Did you ever call him “Little Dick”? You know, just for laughs?
KINGSLEY: Certainly not. His stature as a filmmaker and as a human being was one which demanded respect, which I, accordingly, was diligent to bestow upon him in our daily affairs–
PORFLE: You had an AFFAIR with him?
KINGSLEY: NO! Our relationship was of the strictest professional–
PORFLE: Blah, blah, whatever. You were in a movie with Sigourney Weaver called DEATH AND THE MAIDEN.
KINGSLEY: That’s correct.
PORFLE: Did you ever get into a fistfight with her?
KINGSLEY: What? No. That’s absurd.
PORFLE: She could probably take you. In fact, I think Sigourney Weaver could probably kick your ass.
KINGSLEY: That doesn’t have anything to do with anything. This is the most pointless interview I’ve ever–
PORFLE: No kidding, you just farted, didn’t you?
PORFLE: Let’s move on to SCHINDLER’S LIST. That was a very, very important role for you.
KINGSLEY: It certainly was. And one which I took extremely seriously.
PORFLE: What was it like, doing a sequel to a Jerry Lewis movie?
KINGSLEY: What? What are you talking about?
PORFLE: Well, wasn’t it a sequel to THE DAY THE CLOWN CRIED?
KINGSLEY: Oh. Oh, no. Oh, my god, no.
PORFLE: Did you ever get into a fistfight with Ralph Finnes?
KINGSLEY: No, I did not.
PORFLE: How about Spielberg? You could probably take him if you managed to get in a good swift kick in the balls right off the bat.
KINGSLEY: Are you insane?
PORFLE: I’m asking the questions here, Big Nose. Now, you just appeared in a movie called THE LAST LEGION, in which you play Merlin the sorcerer. What’s it like finally hitting rock bottom?
KINGSLEY: I have NOT hit rock bottom! It’s a very good role in a fine production!
PORFLE: No, it isn’t. Who haven’t you worked with that you would like to work with?
KINGSLEY: Well, I’d really like to do a movie with–
PORFLE: Wrong. The correct answer is “Hulk Hogan.”
KINGSLEY: I was going to say “Vanessa Redgrave.”
PORFLE: No, you weren’t. You were going to say “Carrot Top.”