One day it occurred to me that it would be totally cool to interview Sarah Silverman! Not only would the interview be interesting for people to read, but scoring such a journalistic coup would surely make me “King Sh** of F*** Mountain”, as the saying goes. So I composed the following email and a list of interview questions, and sent them to her. Actually, I sent them to the person who runs Sarah Silverman’s MySpace page with a request that it be forwarded to Sarah Silverman personally. That was two or three years ago, and I have yet to receive a response. What the heck’s taking so long?
Anyway, here’s my interview with Sarah Silverman in its entirety. Minus only her answers, that is, which I will fill in later when she gets back to me regarding my email. I’m starting to worry that it may have been caught up in her spam filter or something. Or maybe there’s a more sinister explanation. It seems like there’s a more sinister explanation for just about everything these days, ha ha. Well, here’s the interview…
Dear Sarah Silverman,
Hi! My name is “porfle.” I think you are, like, super awesome and stuff. Would you like to be interviewed by me?
Before you say “no”, please consider one thing: this is an email, and your saying the word “no” will have absolutely no effect whatsoever. You must type it and then email it back to me so that I can read it.
Here are the 20 questions for you to answer:
1. I got to see Steve Martin once back in the 70s. He was performing in the gym at a university in East Texas, and it only cost about four dollars to get in. Would you be my girlfriend?
2. This is a two-part question: who is the real Sara Silverman, and would you be my girlfriend?
3. I loved your appearances on “Mr. Show”, especially the sketch about the after-school club for kids who thought after-school clubs were “gay.” Did you really go up inside the teacher’s mom’s ass at the end, or was that just special-effects?
4. Why do you use so many cuss words in your comedy? Do you find this necessary in order to compete with other comics who also use a lot of cuss words?
5. Why aren’t women funny? (If you find this question offensive, you can change the “aren’t” to “are” and put a “so incredibly” in front of “funny.”)
6. Why didn’t the entire cast of THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY wear funny teeth like Matt Dillon? If it made his character funnier, wouldn’t this have made the whole movie about a hundred times funnier?
7. Which well-known person would you most like to embalm?
8. You played a joke writer on “The Larry Sanders Show”, which I consider to be one of the funniest comedy series ever produced. Did you ever get to see Garry Shandling naked? If so, what effect did this have upon your religious beliefs?
9. Would you consider appearing in a dinner theater production of “Barefoot In The Park” in which you co-starred with Carrot Top? What other projects and/or sexual acts have you considered performing with Carrot Top?
10. Have you ever made fun of Bill Maher for being in CANNIBAL WOMEN IN THE AVACADO JUNGLE OF DEATH? Have you ever made fun of him so relentlessly that he started crying?
11. I’ve read that you love a variety of sports and are an exceptional athlete. Would you be my girlfriend?
12. What classic movie would you most like to see the entire cast be stark naked in? Have you ever undressed Rod Steiger with your eyes? How about Merv Griffin?
13. I’ve seen your stand-up act on TV two or three times, and I thought you were really, really funny. Would you like to know why it is now illegal for me to fart in the state of Massachusetts?
14. Have you ever imagined what Gary Busey would look like in a baby-doll nightie and “clear heels”?
15. You have your very own website. What’s it like?
16. If you were me interviewing you, what question would you have asked you?
17. If you were you interviewing me, what question would you have asked me?
18. Would you fly in a passenger jet that was being piloted by David Hasselhoff’s testicles? (Note: the in-flight meal would be a breaded veal patty with a light mushroom sauce.)
19. I haven’t had cable-TV or gone to the movies in several years, so I have no idea what you’ve been doing lately. Does this positively or negatively influence your assessment of my suitability to be the father of your children?
20. This is the twentieth and final question. Do you think dogs should be legally forced to wear string bikinis?