PORFLE PRESENTS: TEN QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO PONDER

1. “Would you fly in a passenger jet that was piloted by David Hasselhoff’s testicles?”

It’s a fairly simple scenario — you board a passenger jet for a flight that will last several hours, and just as it is about to take off, the stewardess announces that the usual pilot is sick and that David Hasselhoff’s testicles will be flying the plane. Sure enough, you see a nervous David Hasselhoff in the cockpit right before they shut the door, and he’s slowly dropping his pants and pushing his underwear down to reveal his testicles, which are somehow expected to not only pilot the plane but to do so in a safe and professional manner. Would you remain in your seat, or demand to be let off the plane immediately? An additional factor–the in-flight meal is to be a tender veal patty with a light, delicately-seasoned mushroom sauce.


2. “Would you eat a birthday cake that was covered with live cockroaches?”

If your family and friends went to all the time and effort to plan a really nice surprise birthday party for you, you would, of course, feel honored and grateful. So how would you react if they presented you with a large cake that your mom had gone to a lot of trouble to bake, and, say, the icing was really thick and gooey, and had live cockroaches stuck to every inch of its surface, and they were squirming frantically as they tried in vain to break free and escape, and the constant movement of their hundreds of feelers made the very surface of the cake seem alive?

What if your mom cut the very first piece, careful to get extra cockroaches on it just for you, and handed it to you with a warm smile and said, “We love you, dear…a very, very happy and special birthday to you” and then stood there waiting for you eat your cake because she’d baked it just for you with a very special ingredient–love–and if you didn’t eat it her feelings would be crushed and she would weep hot, bitter tears at your rejection of her cake and, by extension, of her? And your dad was in a wheelchair hooked up to an IV unit, struggling to remain alive for the next few moments just to be able to have the privilege of seeing you enjoy your special birthday cake, which, as noted before, was covered with live, squirming cockroaches?

3. “Would Neil Armstrong have gone to the moon if he were already on the moon?”

What if Neil Armstrong had been given the honor of being the first man to set foot on the moon, and he was already on the moon when he received this information? Would he decline, and go down in history as “the man who refused the honor of being the first man to set foot on the moon”? If he accepted, would NASA have to launch a separate crew into space to go to the moon and get Neil Armstrong and bring him back to earth so that he could then join the crew of Apollo 11 and make the first historic flight to the moon? Would it, by that point, even be considered the first moon landing, since someone had already landed on the moon previously in order to pick up Neil Armstrong?

4. “What if the characters on ‘Seinfeld’ had been portrayed by large blocks of cheese?”

Let’s say that, as a money-saving device, the producers decided to use large blocks of Cheddar or American cheese to portray the characters on “Seinfeld” instead of actual actors, who would be much more expensive.

For example, the scene would open in “Jerry’s” apartment. The “Jerry” block of cheese would be sitting on the couch, and the “George” block of cheese would be on the floor next to it, being pulled back and forth by invisible wires to simulate nervous pacing. A subtitle beneath the “Jerry” block of cheese would read, “But George, why don’t you want Susan to be Elaine’s friend” and a subtitle beneath the “George” block of cheese would read “Because I don’t want Relationship George to collide with Independent George”, and then the “Kramer” block of cheese would be hurled through the door from offstage, where it would thud onto the floor and come to rest under a table or something, and the audience would sort of applaud, and a subtitle would appear beneath it reading, “Giddy-up…I have just scored a date with the new waitress at Monk’s. Jerry, do you have any Double Crunch” and the camera would go in for a close-up of the “Jerry” block of cheese so that it could do a “take”, except that it wouldn’t do any kind of “take” because it would just be an inanimate block of cheese, and then the “Elaine” block of cheese would be pushed through the door and a subtitle beneath it would read “Jerry, the guy you set me up with on a date last night took his penis out.”

5. “What if people ate with their asses?”

If people ate with their asses, my, wouldn’t that be funny. They would have to sit backward in their chairs and stick their butts over the plate and then sit on the food. Then they would wiggle around as they chewed and swallowed it with their asses. Of course, everyone would have their pants down, and it would be funny to watch them trying to engage in casual dinner conversation with their butts squishing around in their plates of food, the air filled with soggy slurping and chomping noises mixed with the occasional fart. And the traditional custom of wiping one’s mouth between bites would become a disgusting travesty as everyone daintily wiped their asses with their fancy napkins as though they had just taken a dump. It would certainly make certain scenes in James Bond movies look rather odd also.

And, of course, people would have to learn to wiggle their hips like hula dancers just to be able to chew gum. Smoking would also provide a wealth of visual oddities to be enjoyed–cigarettes, pipes, and cigars would be stuck up people’s butts and they would blow smoke rings by farting.

6. “What if ladies had beards?”

It would be funny, oh, so funny if ladies had beards just like men. Big beards on ladies, like the lady who works behind the little glass window at the doctor’s office and she would say “next” and I would look at her beard as I went by and not laugh then but laugh later when I went home. I would laugh and laugh, and every time I thought of the lady with the big hairy beard I would pretend that I was Robin and that me and Batman had to fight the Hairy Beard Lady and her gang of beard ladies and Batman would get in trouble fighting four beard ladies and I would swoop in and beat them up and say “Holy sideshows, Batman!” and Batman would say “What do you mean, ‘sideshows’?” and I would explain that the reference was in regard to the fact that, in years past, many sideshows throughout the United States and other countries have traditionally featured bearded ladies and Batman would say “Nice work, Robin!” and I would get an extra brownie for dessert that night.

7. “What if they filled up all the craters on the moon?”

The moon would look really cool if they could just fill up all the craters and smooth it out. We could use sand or something. I would like to see NASA steamrollers and bulldozers on the moon, with guys in space suits driving them. The bulldozers could shovel the sand into the craters and the steamrollers could level it out until the moon’s surface was nice and smooth. If this proved to be too costly for NASA’s budget then we could skip the dark side of the moon and just do the side that shows. Imagine the looks on the faces of visiting aliens when they saw the old cratery side of the moon and then got a load of the new, smooth side shining in the reflected sunlight. Although aliens generally do not make contact with human beings, they would surely give us a silent “thumbs-up” for devoting such effort and ingenuity to something so purely aesthetic.

8. “Would you eat food that moved and had sex on your plate?”

What if there were two pieces of chicken on your plate–say, a breast and a drumstick–and the drumstick somehow managed to drag itself atop the breast and start humping it. You might tentatively poke at them with your fork, but they would doggedly continue, heedless of your interference.  At some point they would both begin to convulse in a way that signified unmistakably their having reached some sort of hideous, ungodly approximation of an orgasm, until finally they rolled over into the mashed potatoes and gravy and were covered in English peas.  Would you still eat them? That is, if you were really hungry and that’s all there was for supper that night?

9. “What if your butt made its own independent decisions?”

Would they be selfish decisions, or would your butt consider itself “part of the team” and make decisions that would benefit your entire body? Do you think your butt would try to influence other parts of your body? For example, might your butt possibly attempt to persuade the hair in your armpits to grow faster and thicker, simply because it thought you looked funnier that way? Would it tell your feet to stink worse so that when you asked a girl for a date she would smell your feet and say no, just out of spite because it didn’t feel you were paying enough attention to it or buying the more expensive, two-ply kind of toilet paper it likes?

What if your butt attempted to stage a coup in which it would take over your entire body and you would henceforth be identified not by who you are, but by who your butt is–for example, your butt would be listed in the phone book instead of you, and if you got married she would be marrying your butt instead of you, and your kids’ father would be your butt, and they would be named “Joey Butt” or “Cindy Butt”, and your wife would be “Mrs. Butt”?

10. “Would you enter a roach-eating contest?” 

(You might want to skip this one.  It’s really, really gross.)

There would be a big tub filled with cockroaches. The big black ones, the small, brown ones, the flying ones, all kinds. The prize would be a Ferrari or half a million dollars or something. It would be held outdoors on a stage, with a fairly large crowd of people looking on mostly out of morbid curiosity.

When the starting gun was fired, you’d immediately have to start stuffing your mouth with handful after squirming handful of cockroaches, crunching and chewing them as fast as you could and trying to keep swallowing even as your stomach retched and heaved, even as you convulsively gagged back the hot, burning vomit that fought its way up your throat and merged with the hastily-masticated wads of cockroach guts, along with the occasional cockroaches that you swallowed live, that you were furiously struggling to choke down.

You would continue to eat and eat the disgusting cockroaches until at last there came a sudden moment of realization–that you were engaging in a horrendously repellant act that would transform you into a vile and subhuman object of scorn and derision in the eyes of others and disqualify you from membership in the human race itself. And as you looked up at last to see who won, the cockroach guts mixed with chunks of things too repugnant to identify caked around your lips and oozing horribly down your chin, your belly stretched full with cockroaches that your stomach juices were already struggling to digest, you would realize that you were in Hell, and the prize that you had fought so incredibly hard to earn was the chance to do it all over, again and again, for the rest of eternity.

 

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