In joyous celebration of this wonderful season, join us now for a classic television treasure from the Hallowed Hall of Fictitious TV Favorites…The Vin Diesel Holiday Special!
(FADE-IN to a stage ornately trimmed with Christmas decorations. Festive Christmas music wafts through the studio.)
ANNOUNCER: (brightly) Pour yourself some egg nog, snuggle up with your Miss or Mister under the mistletoe, and get ready for a blast of high-octane Christmas cheer that’ll knock your ass into your hat! Move over Santa, because here comes the one…the only…VIN DIESEL!!!
(Vin bursts onto the stage with a huge grin and trots up to the microphone to mild applause. He slips on some fake snow and lands flat on his back, hard, knocking the wind from his lungs and painfully bruising his tailbone. The audience gasps. Two stagehands rush out to help him up. Vin limps to the microphone, wincing in pain as he tries to smile. There is scattered laughter.)
VIN: Oops! Heh, heh…I guess I zigged when I shoulda zagged, huh?
(Vin waits for the audience to laugh. There is utter silence.)
VIN: Well…heh, heh…welcome to my Christmas special.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: (shouting) What about Hanukkah, you anti-Semitic bastard?
VIN: Oh…oh, yeah. I guess I should call it my “holiday” special. Yeah, that’s it. Welcome to my holiday special.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: (shouting) What about Kwanzaa?
VIN: I don’t think he’s on the show. Anyway, I tried to book some really, really big-name guests, but they were all busy from Christmas shopping and dental appointments and their dogs dying and stuff like that. So I’m really sorry that tonight’s guests aren’t all that great. But we’re still gonna have a lotta fun! Right, everybody? Yay!
(Vin makes a “raising the roof” gesture with his hands. The audience is non-responsive. He lowers his hands sheepishly and limps over to his desk, which sits next to a plush chair and a couch. Vin winces in pain as he sits down, then smiles brightly.)
VIN: And now for my first guest. You’re gonna love this guy…he’s “da bomb.” Ladies and gentlemen…one of the stars of “Friends”…Mr. David Schwimmer!
(The audience applauds. No one appears for a long moment. Finally, David Schwimmer emerges from backstage and approaches the desk with a dour look on his face. Vin extends his hand but David pointedly ignores it and sits down, glowering at him.)
VIN: My man, it’s really great to have you here on my Chris–uhh, my holiday special. So, what have you been up to these–
DAVID SCHWIMMER: Hey, F(BEEP) YOU–ASSH(BEEP)!
(The audience gasps. Vin looks at him, visibly shocked.)
VIN: Yo, dude…that’s not very, like, in the holiday spirit…
DAVID SCHWIMMER: So I’m not a “great” guest, huh? I’m a disappointment to your viewers? You had to SETTLE for me? Well, let me tell you something, you chrome-dome moron. All those “great” guests you tried to get on the show didn’t have Christmas shopping or dental appointments or dead dogs keeping them from being here. They just didn’t want to be on your stupid show with you, stupid. You know why? Because you’re lame, that’s why. The only reason I’m here is because I felt sorry for you, but that was before the “not so great” crack. Now, as far as I’m concerned, you can ROT IN HELL!!!
VIN: So…have you finished your Christmas shopping yet?
DAVID SCHWIMMER: I hope you fry like a piece of fatty bacon for F(BEEP)ING eternity. I really do.
VIN: Yeah, that last-minute Christmas shopping can be a real–
DAVID SCHWIMMER: I’m a Jew–DUMBASS!!! I don’t go Christmas shopping!
VIN: Okay…well, folks, David has to run now. He has an important thing that he has to go do–
DAVID SCHWIMMER: No, I don’t. I’m staying right here. I’m going to make sure that you suffer through every single second of your stupid, boring, anti-Semitic “Christmas” special.
VIN: It’s a “holiday” special. It’s, err, all-inclusive.
DAVID SCHWIMMER: So, where’s the menorah? I see a Christmas tree. I see a stupid plastic Santa and some stuffed reindeer. And, oh look, there are some stupid elves making toys.
VIN: Those are Jewish midgets. They’re making…uhh…dradles. And Matzoh balls.
(David Schwimmer glares dumbfounded at Vin, slowly shaking his head in disbelief. Vin takes advantage of the lull in order to move the show along.)
VIN: Ha ha, that was a great story, David. And now, here’s the part of the show where I get to demonstrate one of my little-known talents…my singing ability.
DAVID SCHWIMMER: Oh, my god.
(Vin strolls to centerstage, still limping in pain, and sits on a stool that has been placed next to the microphone as a lush musical intro begins.)
VIN: Here’s a Christmas…I mean, Hannukah carol I wrote just for all of you. It’s called “Havin’ a Holly Jolly…uh, Hanukkah.”
(The lights go down as a spotlight hits Vin. The music swells jauntily.)
VIN: Oh, the sleigh bells are ringin’
And the carolers are singin’
And the, uhh…bagels are roastin’ on an open fire
Havin’ a holly jolly Hanukkah
Just me and my girlfriend…uhh, Monica
We’re waitin’ by the chimney because
It’s time for jolly old Rabbi Claus
And on the mantlepiece we leave a treat
Some gefilte fish and milk for him to eat…
DAVID SCHWIMMER: You have got to be F(BEEP)ING kidding me!
VIN: Hey man, that’s not cool. I didn’t interrupt you when you were talking about Christmas shopping.
DAVID SCHWIMMER: ARRRRGGGHHH!!! YOUR MOTHER (unintelligible)!!!
VIN: YO, THAT IS NOT COOL, MAN!!!
(David and Vin both leap to their feet and confront each other at center stage, pounding their chests together and growling in rage. Stagehands converge on them quickly and pull them apart just as they’re about to engage in fisticuffs. The pre-recorded musical backing for Vin’s song continues. Their arms restrained by the stagehands, Vin and David begin trying to kick each other.)
DAVID SCHWIMMER: (being dragged offstage) YOU (BEEP) OF A (BEEP)(BEEP)!!!
VIN: OH, YEAH!!! I HATED “FRIENDS”!!! IT WAS A GAY SHOW!!!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: (shouting) You homophobic bastard!
VIN: SHUT THE F(BEEP) UP!!!
(The audience gasps. Vin, realizing that he has lost control of the show, composes himself and smiles sheepishly.)
VIN: Well, that was funny, huh? Ha, ha. Isn’t my buddy David a card? We goof around like that all the time. And now for my next guest. If you were a fan of “Full House”, you’ll recognize her as one of the cutest twins in the whole wide world. Here she is…Mary Kate Olsen!
(The audience applauds. Mary Kate Olsen storms angrily onto the stage and kicks Vin in the balls. Vin doubles over and vomits.)
VIN: (groaning) What the (BEEP) was that for?
MARY KATE: What’s the big idea of booking me on the show and not Ashley? Are you really that cheap? Are you really that big of a (BEEP) (BEEP) JERK???
VIN: (still groaning) Hey, you look exactly alike. What’s the point of having the both of you on the show? We could just do a friggin’ split-screen or something…oww…
MARY KATE: (stalking off-stage) I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU!!!
VIN: (trying to straighten up) Holy (BEEP), what a crazy bitch…
AUDIENCE MEMBER: (shouting) You misogynistic bastard!
VIN: LOOK, I’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU F(BEEP)IN’ ASSH(BEEP)S!!! F(BEEP) YOU!!!
(The audience gasps in shock, then begins to boo loudly and throw debris. Vin doubles his fists and begins to shake uncontrollably, his face contorted in a grimace of rage.)
VIN: OH, YEAH? THAT’S THE WAY YOU WANT IT? OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT! SAY HELLO TO MY FINAL GUEST…CARROT TOP!!!
(The audience shrieks in terror. Carrot Top emerges briskly from backstage with a large bag of props, making funny faces and playing with his hair as he saunters up to the microphone. People begin to wail and lament as in the Old Testament. Vin rubs his hands together with an evil laugh as Carrot Top reaches into his bag and pulls out a dinner plate with a windshield wiper on it.)
CARROT TOP: Here’s something to cut your dishwashing time in half! You wash it, it wipes itself! Speaking of which…
(He reaches into his bag and pulls out a baby doll with a windshield wiper on its ass. People begin to keel over. Others flee the theater, screaming.)
VIN: (maniacally) EAT IT!!! EAT IT RAW, YOU SCUM-SUCKING AUDIENCE!!!
(Fade out to jolly Christmas music and dancing elves.)
ANNOUNCER: Well, that sucked.