One day, Vin Diesel suddenly appeared in my mind unannounced and hijacked a rumination I was having about Floyd Patterson. So, consequently, here are some of my thoughts about Vin Diesel.

I have noticed that Vin Diesel has a human body. He is anatomically similar to most, if not all, human beings, in that his body functions in the same way that most human bodies do.

Vin Diesel has a head. Like most humans, his head is on the end of his neck. Human evolution seems to favor this location for the head.

Vin Diesel does not use barking as a means of communication, as dogs and seals do. I have noticed that he uses a form of human language instead — specifically, English. He could probably simulate barking, but it is unlikely that he would be able to communicate with dogs or seals in this way, or at least not in any substantive detail.

Vin Diesel portrays fictional characters in movies. Someday, perhaps, he will portray actual historical figures, such as Benjamin Franklin or Millard Fillmore. It would be interesting to see a movie about Millard Fillmore that was advertised with the line, “Vin Diesel IS Millard Fillmore.”

Vin Diesel cannot lift an adult rhinoceros over his head. If you have a photograph of him doing so, it has probably been manipulated in some way.

Vin Diesel has never hosted “Masterpiece Theater” on PBS. If he ever did host this show, many television critics would probably have a knee-jerk reaction such as this: “Vin Diesel as host of ‘Masterpiece Theater’? What an inappropriate choice for PBS to have made.”

If they ever make a movie about the life of Vin Diesel, I do not think that Vin Diesel would be a good choice for the title role. I think that it would be more interesting to cast someone like Paris Hilton or Gary Coleman as Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel himself could portray his mother, Mrs. Diesel. This would be more likely to garner him a major acting award.

If you were one of Vin Diesel’s scalp hairs, it would be a hollow and meaningless existence. Every time you tried to grow past his scalp-line, he would simply shave you off. Then you would just sit around waiting to try again, knowing that when you did, he would shave you off again. What if his scalp hairs gave up and stopped trying to emerge from his head? They would probably build up around his skull until his head began to expand. Then one day the pressure might cause an explosive blast of hair from both of his ears, causing him to sport dual ear-Afros.

Thank you for allowing me to voice my thoughts about Vin Diesel.

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