THE 20 THINGS THAT YOU NEED TO DO TODAY!
1. Do something! You don’t have to buy the world in gifts. Just do something to acknowledge her existence.
4. If your mother smokes Newports and watches NASCAR, then she might want to know about Dewshine.
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5. If your mom is a nerd, she might want to check out the Almighty Johnsons: Complete Series.
6. Take this day to talk to your mom about “Mad Max: Fury Road” and ask has she accepted Tom Hardy into heart as her new savior?
7. Clean yourself up. Just this once.
8. Screen phone calls. So help you if a single phone call comes in from Jean. There’s a whole thing with her and she knows what she did.
9. Ask your mother or the motherly figure in your life what she wants to do in 2016. Smile and focus on her lips and throat, while she talks. This will give the impression that you are being compassionate.
10. Toss a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey (book or movie) into a room, then seal the door from the other side. Whatever comes out of there is no one’s mother.
11. Get the mother types in your life together and see who will be the first to accept your offer to rebrand as Khaleesi.
12. Draw a picture of your mother fighting Carol Brady to the death. Make sure that your mother wins in this scenario.
13. Do something about your father. The man won’t live her alone and he keeps trying to make her watch “Top Gear”.
14. For the techie family, find the same asshole alone and just cyberbully the hell out of them. The shared brain trust will impress your mother, as you find new ways to tell a complete stranger how many balls they suck.
15. If your mother is too good to do that, then she wasn’t really your mother. Buy her a Sudoku book and don’t visit her until next year.
16. Take her to Taco Bell. Apparently, it’s a big deal to be a Breakfast Defector now.
17. Help your mother learn what they mean about “swiping it left”. The dancing young people are confusing and she thinks they’re on the drugs.
18. Let her sleep in, use the bathroom in peace and shower with a fair amount of hot water.
19. Get tickets to go on Maury and finally find out if you are the Father. The answer might surprise you.
20. Watch the video essay below and enjoy a taste of Mother’s Day throughout film history.
A list of the moms appearing in this video essay, in order:
Flowers in the Attic
Mother (Victoria Tennant)
Rebecca Morgan (Cicely Tyson)
Bambi’s Mother (Paula Winslowe)
Helen Parr (Holly Hunter)
Mrs. Miniver (Greer Garson)
Gloria Swenson (Gena Rowlands)
Lilly Dillon (Anjelica Huston)
Florence ‘Rusty’ Dennis (Cher)
Fairy Godmother (Verna Felton)
Not Without My Daughter
Betty Mahmoody (Sally Field)
Mrs. Andrews (Barbara Harris)
Beatrice Henderson (Debbie Reynolds)
‘Ma’ Kate Barker (Shelley Winters)
The Manchurian Candidate
Mrs. Eleanor Shaw Iselin (Angela Lansbury)
Mildred Pierce (Joan Crawford)
Rosemary Woodhouse (Mia Farrow)
New York Stories
Mother (Mae Questel)
Tess Coleman (Jamie Lee Curtis)
Beth (Mary Tyler Moore)
Throw Momma From The Train
Momma (Anne Ramsey)
Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway)
Beverly R. Sutphin (Kathleen Turner)
A.I. Artificial Intelligence
Monica Swinton (Frances O’Connor)
Mama Lucas (Ruby Dee)
Margaret White (Piper Laurie)
Nola Carveth (Samantha Egger)
Mother (Hye-ja Kim)
Alice Ward (Melissa Leo)
Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton)
Norma Bates (Virginia Gregg)
Mrs. Doubtfire (Robin Williams)
Stifler’s Mom (Jennifer Coolidge)
The Kids Are All Right
Nic (Annette Bening)
Jules (Julianne Moore)
Mamma Roma (Anna Magnani)
Tommy’s Mother (Catherine Scorsese)
Mrs. Jumbo (Verna Felton)
Sophie (Meryl Streep)
Sarah Beckett (Joanne Woodward)
Terms of Endearment
Emma Horton (Debra Winger)
Aurora Greenway (Shirley MacLaine)
Boyz N The Hood
Mrs. Baker (Tyra Ferrell)
Leticia Musgrove (Halle Berry)
The Passion of the Christ
Mary (Maia Morgenstern)
The Curious Base of Benjamin Button
Queenie (Taraji P. Henson)
Jackie Harrison (Susan Sarandon)
Mrs. Gump (Sally Field)
What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
Bonnie Grape (Darlene Cates)
The Fox and the Hound
Tod’s Mother (N/A)
Hillary Whitney Essex (Barbara Hershey)
A Farewell to Arms
Catherine Barkley (Helen Hayes)