WISH UPON

WISH UPON REVIEWED

“Wish Upon” is a film about a white girl’s wish fulfillment via the help of her town’s only Asian citizens. It also plays like a PG-13 Final Destination at points. Which one is going to bother you more? Joey King is a great young actress who does her best to make the film work. But, it’s a terrible story. It’s not a terrible story because it’s part of the dreaded PG-13 teen horror plague that’s ruined recent cinema.

The film fails because it’s based on a terrible retread of The Monkey’s Paw as watered down for a Young Adult Fiction loving audience. Characters either play as stock, ancillary appendages to teenagers or devices to further stories to keep the plot on track. No one breaks out of these molds, as that would mean casting serious doubt on the function of the cursed music box. But, a young girl has to make her wishes come true. Even if they result in the brutal deaths of her enemies.

I know that the social media followers are going to call me a hypocrite for saying this after lambasting Maltin earlier this week. It’s just that youth on film is meant for morons. Morons keep easy horror fiction pumping through the years, but nothing they make is more than cinematic fast food. Every once in awhile you get that Mulan Schezuan sauce, but more often than not…it’s an Arch Deluxe giving you the runs. Whom do you blame the Arch Deluxe on, as you sit upon the toilet of contemplation?

WISH UPON SOMETHING BETTER

The cute teen girl behind the counter is just getting through the day. The company that made the gross sandwich didn’t pretend it was worth consuming. Ultimately, the fault is found within the consumer. If you swallow garbage retreads, then you are the problem. Be better, young film fans. If you watch this dreck, learn from it. It shouldn’t take that much time to understand what’s wrong. A story about a slightly conceited white girl manipulating demonic forces to game the system is messed up.

There is a theory that all teen oriented horror fantasies are aimed at satisfying a self-centered child’s world view. Tack onto that how the slasher and giallo is nothing more than a softcore adult verison of these fantasies. When you remove visceral punch, you’re asking the audience to wallow in what amounts to the world’s shittiest Creepypasta. Poor form, Orion.

FILM  STATS

  • PG-13
  • 1 hr and 30 mins
  • Broadgreen/Orion

RELEASE DATE: 7/14/17

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