Director: Jaume Collet-Serra

Writers: John W. Richardson, Chris Roach and Ryan Engle

Cast: Liam Neeson, Julianne Moore, Lupita Nyong’o, Michelle Dockery and Scoot McNairy

Studio: Universal

Can we finally have a talk about the Liam Neesons? The man’s obviously hurting after the death of his wife and he believes that only terrible films will cure that loss. Well, “The Grey” was awesome. This film begins like most of the shit that Liam Neesons has done since his wife died. He is an Irish trained security force that is looking to bring order to a situation that normally contains it. Neesons teams up with the chick from “12 Years a Slave” and Julianne “My Cougar of Choice” Moore to find out who is killing passengers aboard his plane. This carries on long past my interest, so I blacked out until it got interesting. The old couple next to me said it had been an hour of my shenanigans. I don’t know what they mean since I’m not Irish.

The first hour of this movie is a joke. Thankfully, director Collet-Serra knows what we want by the end of the movie. Movies like this don’t need to make sense or attempt to live in a world that resembles anything like our own. Liam Neesons or Neeson (to the gentry) saves the day and we get a twist that M. Night wouldn’t use to wipe his ass. If anything, you should be annoyed that 12 Years a Slave and the Ginger Cougar didn’t get shit to do throughout the duration of the film. When do we get happy Liam Neeson back? I want to see less Taken and more Love Actually. Well, he’s kinda living Love Actually. So, I want to see more Qui Gon by way of Oskar Schindler. Make it happen, Abrams.

While I get that it’s cool to have a Post Modern ironic hatred of major releases, it’s getting tiresome. I get that it’s not fun to watch a movie that plays upon stereotypes, yet manages to entertain Middle America. Well, it’s not like your Upworthy articles or brightly colored cause bracelets are doing shit to change their minds. Cinematic turds like this exist to raise funding for special projects and to keep mouth breathers out of your showing of “The Wind Rises”. If films like this didn’t exist, then everything would be sequels and adaptations of Disney theme park rides. Suck it up, Buttercup. Liam Neeson is going to continue hate grieving over your cinematic expectations. Modern audiences should thrill to the fact that we have the second coming of Robert Shaw making big movies.

RELEASE DATE: 02/28/2014


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